On may 14, 2009, I got a message from a dude I didn't know. He just wanted to say hi and let me know he liked my hair! HAH! He had seen me through a comment I made on something a mutual friend had posted. I never responded (I'm a jerk! Teehee!) and though I accept his Facebook friend request, I never did talk to him. I'd see status updates, pictures posted, links to different things... Posts about Eminem (Bahahhahaaa!)... And I'd see his name and think "who is this?? Brad Grayson?? Who's that??" I came SO close to deleting him a few times, but I'm so glad I never did. I don't know why... I just had a strong feeling that I needed to keep him on my list.
Then, one day, I was sad... And he reached out to me through another Facebook message. This time, I actually responded. We became actual friends who talked through Facebook messenger and MSN messenger on a daily basis, and I found out what a sweet guy this Brad Grayson was lol. He'd come visit me at work during my breaks and we'd chat about life and the things we were interested in, and it turned out we had a LOT in common. Just one tiny problem: I had sworn off relationships! Why??? Because I was protecting my heart. None of my other relationships worked out, and it seemed like I was always the one getting hurt... And it usually had a lot to do with my mental illness. It was always too much for them to handle after a while, and as much as it sucked, I couldn't blame 'em. I was a lot to handle!
I always warned men from the beginning "I've got issues... you're gonna wanna run away eventually... I'm giving you an out" None ever took them because they all thought they liked me enough that they could handle it... Plus, they had no idea what they were in for. Eventually, once it got tiring for them and after my heart was already deeply invested, they finally wanted out. In 2009, I decided that I was done trying because my heart couldn't take anymore rejection, and when I met Brad, I was still dead set on remaining single!!!
... But Brad... He was sweet, and funny, and adorkable, and above all, he was patient. He knew my thoughts on relationships, and he was perfectly happy being my friend even though he knew I wasn't looking for anything other than a friend, but that didn't stop him from telling me I was beautiful and wonderful. I guess he charmed me pretty heavily because a bit over a month later, I took a leap of faith and decided to give a relationship a chance... And it may have been the best thing I ever did for myself!
This weekend (June 28th, 2014) is a very special weekend for us because it marks 5 years of being together and growing together. We haven't been together the entire 5 years because we both have had a lot of issues to work on as individuals before we could achieve a healthy relationship. We made it though! We even have little miniature versions of the both of us! One is in heaven, and one is asleep in her bed right now. We've been through hell and back, and as of September 11th 2011, we haven't looked back. Every day with him is a wonderful gift, and though we may have some epic fights, our love for one another is even more epic!
I know it's been a LONG while since I've written anything on here, but some stuff has come up that I wanted to address.
Recently, someone from my past kinda resurfaced, and it was unpleasant to say the least. Through someone mutual and a bit of confusion on this mutual friend's part, I found out some pretty nasty things were being said about me. I was trying to just let it roll off my back, but it's been on my mind a lot lately, and I really needed to say something.
Remember my open letter post to this girl? Turns out she never read it claiming I just write mean things about her and she didn't have time to read my "novel". She also stated that I was obsessed with her when I was done thinking about her until this all came up. Amongst those things she said were many other names that I can't say on here because... well... they're horrible. The sad part is, that letter wasn't meant as a way to be mean to her... it was a way to gain peace for the both of us. The other thing is... if I'm the one obsessed, how did she even know the post existed? Or any of the posts on my facebook that I made public for her? The crazy thing is... She's made herself the victim.
Here's the thing... At what point in your life... at what age and stage in your life do you finally realize that you're a bully if you say things like that about another human being? The occasional private chat between friends is one thing, but then you also start lying to everyone publically about who I am and what kind of a person I am. I'm a human being! I breathe the same air as everyone else. I have a heart and a brain like everybody else... Yet these aren't things people think about when they say something cruel about someone else. They can only hope that their words will be hurtful, and that is the true nature of a bully.Yes, I was bullied in school, and you keep seeing all these "It gets better" ads and hope that when you grow up, the bullying stops. As an adult, I'd see them, and I agreed because for a very long time, it did get better... But then you meet someone who eventually reminds you of your past, and suddenly, you don't feel safe anymore. Not necessarily with them, but with yourself. You start to doubt your self-worth. You start to feel as though the world would be a better place without you when people start ganging up on you. The way they feel about you is the way you start to feel about yourself. The words they're saying, you start believing to be true again. STOP!
It's all a lie! You see, bullies don't bully because they're better than you. They do it because they're insecure. They're trying to make themselves feel better by pointing out others' flaws in order to distract people and even themselves from their own flaws. Of course a bully will never admit to that, but if you think about it... Why didn't my ex-friend read that letter? It might have been long, true... but I strongly believe that she was too afraid that I might have put her in her place. That I might have said something that would make her have to face the facts. Nobody likes a dose of reality. It's a bitter pill to swallow in which case, it's sad to think there may be no hope for her. I was never truly mean to her. I only laid out facts. They were made public because she didn't want a response from me, and as mentioned before, I knew she'd stalk my page through a different account, so I made them public.
When I was a kid, I was a wallflower and a doormat. I never stood up for myself. I let it all happen because I was scared. I've stopped letting people hurt me, and I will continue to stand up for myself until the day I die. She, along with others, may have made me hate myself, but I temporarily lost sight of something very very important: THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER! My daughter, my fiancé, my awesome friends and family! Not to mention the fact that I'm planning a wedding! This girl doesn't know me anymore. She was removed from my life for a reason which she only justified with her actions, and therefore, her opinions don't matter. She doesn't matter to me and my life! I just have to let God or Karma or whatever deal with her when the time comes, and enjoy my wonderful and fulfilled life.
Anyways, I'm signing off. I just needed to get that off my chest. I can only hope she let's it all go and moves on for good. Life is too short to waste trying to bring down someone you hate. For now, I leave you all with the wise words of Sara Bareilles "You can be the outcast or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love, or you can start speaking up"
On April 17th, 2014, m'dude and I made things official! I'll start from the beginning... sort of:
Valentine's Day 2012, my dude asked me to marry him. I had actually set up something sweet and romantic for when he came over with candles and home made decorations that I had scattered across the floor... all with reasons I loved him. The song that played in the background was "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie because it was kinda our song... At the end of my little trail, I was sitting on the floor with one last reason I loved him (That's not to say those were the only reasons... those were just big reasons) and I handed it to him. In exchange for that, he handed me a letter... the letter expressed how much he loved me, and at the very end, this is what he wrote:
Of course, I said yes! There was no ring, but I didn't care!
As the year progressed, I picked out different rings I liked... Sometimes I'd say "This is definitely THEEEEEEE one! FOR SURE!" and then I'd change my mind.... Cuz I'm fickle. But hey, it's a ring I plan to keep for forever! I wanna make sure it's exactly what I want. But as time went on, a ring never did come... it took a while before I started to care... and what made me care was this (and I feel it needs explaining because I know many people who have bugged me about this saying a ring is just a material item): Any time I would refer to him as my fiancé or any time I'd say I was engaged, I could see people looking for my ring. I felt like people were thinking I was in one of those relationships where you get engaged to everybody you date, and I didn't wanna be seen like that. We started looking at rings again, but that was all we were ever doing. By November of 2013, I found the ring I was FOR SURE FOR SURE about this time... Really! It was on layaway because I didn't want a ring I'd likely have issues with, and I can't wear sterling silver (my finger gets crazy itchy bumps with anything fake), and I also wanted something that was different, but obviously an engagement ring, and I found that ring finally! But as much as we tried to budget it out that I would have my ring paid off, it just wasn't possible, especially not with Christmas coming up and our daughter's birthday following the next month. I finally said I wanted a do-over! What??? Basically, I was giving him another chance to propose WITH a ring! Until then, we were simply boyfriend and girlfriend. Seems silly, I'm sure, but that's what I wanted. SO, he agreed to it. I was hoping by Christmas of 2013 that he was gonna propose then. That didn't happen. He promised by Valentine's Day, I'd have a ring... that didn't happen... I was feeling pretty disappointed. I was also feeling like maybe he just didn't want to marry me after all. Maybe this was just his way of telling me that. It was depressing.
On April 17th, 2014, my friend took me out at the request of my dude (she was totally in on it!) and when I came home (which she was texting him letting him know how close we were to t he house) I walked up to the door... I saw a big envelope taped under the handle....
So, I opened it (because it said to, of course!) and I walked inside.....
There was music playing; Some of my favourite tunes about love. I didn't see him... Anywhere! I was a bit confused if I'm being honest lol. I had to wash my hands sooooooo bad, so I quickly washed them, and when I came out of the washroom, I heard a voice saying "hey...." turned around, and there he was. He kinda came out of a dark corner since the lights were out and there were only candles lit. He walked right up to me and said all he needed to say, and of course the answer was always gonna be "yes"... But I cried because I wasn't expecting it at all. I knew he had the ring, I just didn't know when or where or how it was all gonna happen.
So you'd think after this, I'd be everywhere announcing the engagement and showing off my ring, but nope! I had other plans... I wanted to make this announcement EPIC! I had gotten some inspiration from a video I had seen by one of my favourite vloggers, Missy Lanning. Last year, she had made a beautiful Mother's Day video where she used photographs of many different types of mothers and hung them up. While I was inspired by that video, I also wanted to make the video original. As far as I know, anyways. So, I asked my engaged/married friends to submit photos whether it was a reaction photo from being proposed to, or engagement photos, or weddings pics! Many of my friends said "You can take as many pics from my photo albums as you wish!" so, I did! They had no idea what the photos would be used for.... just that I needed them for my latest cover I was gonna be posting. I met with a videographer who a friend had suggested to me (funnily enough, same friend I met Brad from!) and explained my concept. It was a bit unusual for him... the concept... But ultimately, he said he was interested in making it work! I also asked my friend (the same one who helped my dude with the proposal) to be a part of the video. She is a beautiful dancer, and I just really wanted her to be a part of this special announcement.
We set 2 dates to film. One for the lip syncing, and the other for the story part. The first day, I was out in the cold.... and when you see the video, you'll see why I was cold... The shirt I was wearing was quite thin! Unfortunately, by the end of the night, I started feeling a cold coming on. I thought maybe I just needed to shake off being out IN the cold... Sunday, I felt a bit worn out, but the show must go on.... and then the next morning, my throat was killing me!!! I dreaded swallowing. Ugh. But either way, I was being updated every day about the status of the video. Today, May 10th, 2014, the video was uploaded and shared on my facebook! I LOVE the video... I'm proud of it! It's my baby (other than my actual child lol) and so, I'm gonna share it here as well! I was able to get it onto my youtube channel, thankfully! Please check it out! Give it a thumbs up and comment or whatever, either way, I'm so happy with how it turned out, and so grateful for the people who participated... And I'm just excited to start planning a wedding! Yes, there is a date set, our engagement photos are scheduled for a couple of weeks from now, and we have a meeting with a wedding planner in about a week and a half! SO, things are moving along.
Anyways, I just wanted to share my awesome story, and since I haven't blogged in quite a while, I figured this was a good place to tell my story! I'm hoping to get back into blogging regularly again, especially since I've started seeing a counselor again!
Life has been pretty stressful... But that's only because awesome things are about to come! And I don't just mean for me, but I have news to share; I'm just waiting to share it, and let me tell you guys, it's kinda driving me crazy! Haha
Only a few people are in on what's been going on, but all will be revealed hopefully sometimes in May! If anyone on Facebook remembers me asking for engagement/wedding photos, well, it has a lot to do with that, but I don't want to give anything away ;) let's just say if you sent in pics, you will be blown away!
My depression seems to be dormant at the moment, but my anxiety, not so much. It's still pretty bad. I have a lot on the go which is probably why I'm so anxious and stressed, but I've got some great friends to keep my mind feeling peaceful.
I'm excited to finally get my hair touched up this weekend.... Blonde with major rootage is NOT cute! Nope nope nope!!!
My dude and I had a good Easter! His dad/dad's wife came over. I'd met his dad before, but it was my first time meeting his wife. It was a very pleasant visit! My daughter did throw some crazy tantrums though.
Speaking of tantrums, this kid is insane! She put TWO dvds in our ps3...almost thought she wrecked the thing! Thankfully my dude was able to fix it, but she's definitely at this very frustrating stage where it's like she's doing everything she can to make our lives difficul. She says no to everything, and she does the complete opposite of what you ask her to do or not do. GRRRRRR!!!
On another note, she's getting a hair cut on Saturday, and I'm actually pretty sad about it. I might blog about that afterwards, but for now, this girl needs some sleep! Until next time...
For a while, things were a little bit rough. I caught a flu a month ago, then one month to the date later, I caught the flu AGAIN! During that time, I was going through all that unnecessary drama (from my last post) which wasn't really helping. Then about a week after I'd been flu-free, my glands got super swollen! It was pretty random, and also quite painful, but it seems to have settle down.
I feel like I haven't been on here in a long time! But the truth is, I'm doing really well... I'm hoping things stay that way, but I'm just taking it day by day... But some good things are happening in my life, and all will be revealed in the next month or so which will make for a great story. Right now, only a few select people have been made aware, and they're only in on part of it. Only a couple of people are totally in on it because they're a part of the surprise, and let me tell you, it's big! I'm bad with certain secrets, so this should be interesting. ;)
Otherwise, I don't have much else to report on, so until next time...
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A BLOG POST! IT'S VERY LONG, AND EXTREMELY PERSONAL TO A SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
There is so much I would like to say, but considering it's 5am and it appears I'm catching a cold or something, I'll just try to get to the point. This is an open letter to the girl who has a lot to say ABOUT me, but gives me no way to defend myself.
Every story between two people has 3 sides. There's the story they tell, the story you tell, and then there's the truth. In this case, I've been pretty straight forward. You see, the disagreement I had that turned sour with a friend has escalated to an unnecessary point, and it's time that it came to an end. But first, there are some things that need to be cleared up, and they will all be directed at the person this letter is to, but there will be no name:
I am a good person. So much so that I actually put other people first. So much so that even though I was going through my own troubles, I would hear yours before considering my own. So much so that I had invited you and your son into my home only 2 nights before a surgery even though I had never met you in person and only knew you through Facebook. So much so that I encouraged you to stay so that you could provide a better life for you and your son when you felt like giving up. So much so that while I was recovering from my surgery, I had my fiancé take you to whatever appointments you needed to get to, even though he was needed at home to take care of me. So much so that I gave you a shoulder to cry on. So much so that I reminded you to eat and take care of yourself while you stayed with me and to try and rest. So much so that I made you food when you were too stressed to remember to eat. I made phone calls for you and looked into things for you so you could find a home here in the city. When you were conflicted about your ex, I supported you. I didn't judge you or think you were being silly or naive. I just wanted you to be happy! That's just some of the things. Let's not forget the time I asked my fiancé to, with my money (not his), drive to the store to grab a thermometer for your son who was sick, plus some snacks for the both of you. I also gave him gas money so he could drive it to your place on the other side of the city which he didn't want to do, but he did it because I begged him to in order to provide you with peace of mind while your son was sick, and I asked for NOTHING in return because I was more concerned about him and also concerned about you than I was about money. You didn't have to tell me you had no way to pay me back... I did it because you were stressed and I couldn't stand to see you like that. I also had him bring your son many of our daughter's toys that were no longer age appropriate for her, most of which weren't cheap toys. At Christmas, I'm just gonna tell you what I spent because why the heck not, I'm making a point here... and again, this was with MY money.. I spent 75 bucks on you alone, and probably about 40 on your son. That's a lot of money considering one of the last things you said to me.
I'll address some things that are out of context from what you wrote in your blog: That I say my daughter is prettier than my friends' kids. You may have forgotten where that conversation came from. It came from you sending me a picture of a baby you thought was funny looking and me trying to make you feel better by telling you it's okay and normal, especially when you're a parent. In my opinion, my daughter is the most beautiful little girl in the world. In your opinion, I'm sure you think your son is the most handsome and adorable little boy in the world. It happens. We're human.
That I don't make friends with ugly people because it's embarrassing: you know what? I said that! I sure did! I also admit that it's horrible and snobbish of me, and I happen to know there are a LOT of people like that in the world. Does it make it right? No... Did you turn down a guy because he was too short? You sure did. Did you turn down a guy for being of a certain ethnicity? Yep. Did I judge you at the time? I didn't. Know why? We're only human!
-The one that confused me the most was this one - That I use my boyfriend's (aka the father of my child) income to go shopping: That's something most stay at home moms/housewives do.... I'm not too sure I know a single woman who doesn't ask for money from their partners/spouses. He's even stated that he has no issues with it and that his money is my money. What I don't understand is why you would consider that dirt when you're on social assistance and getting your hair done and your nose pierced and and going shopping and getting cable with the money that was given to you for necessities. And let's just say for the sake of argument somebody gave you that money... Are you not reaping the benefits of someone else's money? Didn't somebody say.... Take you shopping for home decor when you first moved into your new place? How would that be any different?
-And then there was this one- I can go shopping, but I can't take my daughter to the park: actually, you wanna know a secret? It's actually extremely difficult to go shopping. Even when I'm going because I actually need something, it's difficult. What makes it easier is knowing where the washrooms are so that when my anxiety gets to me, I can quickly escape to regroup. At the park, there are a lot of germs which isn't ideal for someone with anxiety. What you failed to mention is that I'm well aware that it's a problem and have not only taken steps to get help, but also have an appointment coming up. I took initiative to get the help that I need so that I can handle the germs and the playground and the ride to the mall (seriously, if you only knew how difficult a car ride to the mall was, you wouldn't be saying it's easy for me to shop vs taking my daughter to the park)
Contrary to what you believe, I didn't message your ex just to mock and bash you. I messaged him because I wanted to know if this is who YOU really are and if that's why he couldn't be with you. I let out some anger and frustration because I knew he'd understand, but I also apologized to him for being harsh on him after seeing the way you could care less about our friendship.
I sent you a message explaining why I unfriended you. If you had preferred I didn't, then I wish I hadn't. But at least I gave you the explanation you said you wished you would get when someone unfriends you. When I gave you the truth, you didn't like it. You also said at the end that we were basically just Facebook friends anyways so "it's all good"...
Something else I wanted to address about my daughter's birthday party. You mentioned I was rude and snobby because I didn't greet you at the door. I had people there... I actually did say hi to you. I might not have jumped up the second you walked in the door, but I did come and welcome you as you were taking your shoes and coat off, however, I had a room full of guests. And the other thing you said about me being more concerned about your son putting my daughter's toys, which are choking hazards, in his mouth hence why they're meant for her age of 3 and not 1 (the age of your son) was actually because I didn't want your son to choke on her toys. And since you weren't actually trying to stop it, I had to. They're easy to wash, so I don't care if he slobbered all over them, but sue me if I actually tried to prevent your child from choking on a toy. We didn't leave toys out because we needed all the room and space we could get. Aurora doesn't actually have toys for your son's age group because she's not of his age group... I gave you all the ones she did have! The only ones we still had were stored and we even took something out for him to play with. Yes, he's only one, but at what point do you start telling your child "no" when they are banging things on walls and pulling on blinds in a house that doesn't belong to you? Even our own child isn't allowed to do that, and we make sure if she does, she hears that it's not okay.... So why would we suddenly let someone else's child do that? Did you have some money burning a hole in your pocket and feel like spending it on fixing any damages he might have made to our NEW and RENTED home?
You said you "could" dish out the dirt on me but that you're not like that... But then you did within that very same paragraph...All along stating that you're better than that which makes no sense at all if you're still gonna "dish the dirt" anyways. You also said I'm not a very nice person at all and that I'm manipulative.. First of all, I'm not too sure how I'm manipulative, secondly, you were correct the first time around when you said you thought I was a nice person... I actually AM a nice person. What happened was that I had kept quiet for too long, and I just wasn't okay with that anymore. The people who know me know what kind of person I am. They know I'd give the shirt off my back if I wouldn't get arrested for indecent exposure out in public. They know my character. They understand my anxiety and don't judge me or blame me for not being able to take my daughter to the park. We can also have a debate without someone making it personal which is what happened in our situation. I'm 30 years old, yes. But your friend is much older than me and talks to people who she barely knows in a disrespectful manner and then makes FUN of my mental disability. Did you forget the time you mocked a good friend of mine right along with your friend? Or the time she went off on another good friend of mine which was what led me to delete her? I didn't even block her, she blocked me and then questioned why I blocked her second account after she trash talked me believing she had just said something that I had no answer to when in fact, I just wasn't going to take that kind of verbal abuse from anyone. She blocked me likely so she could trash talk me... How is that your idea of maturity, and why are you telling me I'm the one who is immature??
As far as me sharing the piece of message you sent, it was the part of the message that made the least amount of sense. Why? Because it's the portion of the message where you said "it's no wonder you don't have many friends"... I have had some pretty good friends and I've had some pretty horrible friends. I prefer quality over quantity. The friends that have had my back and stood up for me are amazing, and I'd much rather have only a few great and loyal friends than have a bunch of crappy friends who can't even take a simple debate. You know it's okay for friends to have opposing views and that it's okay for someone to challenge your views, right? It's just not acceptable once it becomes personal. It was also the part of the message where you said it was no big deal that we weren't friends anymore which was a huge slap in the face considering everything I wrote at the beginning of this blog. Yes, it's an "essay" but you didn't exactly leave me with much of a choice. And calling me touchy? Come on... You know you're extremely touchy. I don't freak out and assume the worst if someone doesn't message or text me right away, but you know who does? You do. And you know who never judged you for it? Me.
And finally, you wonder if I talk about my other friends behind their backs. The answer to that is yes. I compliment them. I express how proud I am of them when they accomplish something in life. I also say it to them directly as well. I've had some issues with other friends and when I brought them up, we talked about it to make things clear again, and then we go back to our friendship! I even said some things behind your back as well. Like that you were one of my favourite people on the planet and that you were so deserving of a photo session with the very same man you and your friend mocked later on. I even said that I was willing to pay for it with my own money. I said you were a great friend and that you could really used something like this. So you're absolutely right. I do talk about my friends behind their backs. I'm guilty of that. And that... Well, all of this makes me a not very good person? I'm not seeing the logic in this.
I shouldn't have written any responses at all for anyone to see, and I'll admit it was wrong to in a sense, publicly shame you, but at the same time, you shouldn't have given me any reason to need to defend myself and call you out on the things you said because it was all so hypocritical and also very one sided not to mention taken out of context.
Here's why I'm writing this: I want this to end. Nobody is going to win, and I'd like to move on. I'd like to not be made aware of any talk behind my back, I'd like to not find out only half truths are being written about me and things I've said or done.... I just wanna stop. This wasn't to keep the high school drama going. This was to end it and to clear things up that I couldn't before because you didn't leave me with an option to defend myself. If there was a way to make this private for just you, I'd do it... But as far as I know, there isn't. I'm done with it. The ball is in your court. You can either throw it back at me and I'll refuse to catch, or you can leave it where it is and walk away. It's up to you. This wasn't a game to me. I actually thought you were my friend... Actually, one of my best friends. But you saying we were barely friends made me realize I was foolish to ever care as much as I did. Please choose to walk away. If you don't, then it's no longer my problem. So please... Just walk away so we can both go back to living our lives in peace.
Well, you know the saying, but what happens when your opinions are more than just simply your opinions?
Recently, I was confronted by someone... A "friend" who had.. I guess you could say.. Cornered me? All on Facebook, too. Hah. I was asked about something to which I gave an answer to. I then got suddenly preached at about this thing which is a bit on the controversial side I guess you could say, and if there's one thing I dislike, it's when someone tries to shove their beliefs down my throat whether it's religious or political... Moral... Whatever. I dislike it. Most of the time, I just keep my opinions to myself, but when I get approached like that, or someone starts becoming a bit overbearing about those beliefs, let me put it to you this way: if you say "it's just wrong" it's kind of very irritating and I'm not gonna hold back.... Also, it hardly seems like a personal opinion, but rather, like you're stating a fact when it's just YOUR opinion that you're trying to make other people believe.
Now, for me, when I see something I don't like, for instance, an article about a local bridal shop that doesn't allow transgendered women (male to female in this case) to try on dresses in the shop, I'll re-post the link to the article and state my feelings about it. Example: "I know where I WON'T be buying my wedding dress".... And not "I won't be buying my wedding dress here because it's wrong and you shouldn't either!"
I have many friends with opposing views from abortion (which I'm against) to gay marriage (which I'm for) and some other less intense things like music and movie tastes lol. When there's a debate, we will have our discussion knowing full well it's just a friendly debate. But then there are those that go south. Friendships have ended because of intense debating on opposing views. However, this one in particular ended very unexpectedly and sadly enough, it was because once the discussion appeared to be over, a friend of hers with a grudge against me had to chime in not only with her opinion on the topic, but also some personal attacks on my character and my mental disability (anxiety disorder and such) and there was no mediation from the girl who started the whole topic. When someone talks to my friends in such a way that's so disrespectful and despicable, I definitely take action. I don't allow anyone to talk to my friends the way my "friend" let her friend talk to and about me, therefore, she is NOT a friend. It's okay to have different opinions. Most of the time, if you can discuss your different opinions in a civil manner, it means you might actually be mature! But some people can't handle a debate, I guess... And some people can't keep their personal thoughts to themselves.
It's sad when we lose friends... But at the same time, we don't need people like that in our lives, and I made a promise to myself a few years ago that I'd never allow "bad friends" to stick around in my life. In doing so, I may only have a small handful of friends, but at least I'm guaranteed good quality friends. Quality over quantity!
Until next time, never settle for less than you deserve in a friend and in life. Always stick up for your real friends, but more importantly, always stick up for YOURSELF! Oh, and maybe don't be so preachy, eh? ;)
Last night, a friend of mine posted this to his facebook page
and it got me thinking... Great... Another phobia! The fear of not being good enough... it has to start somewhere, but... Where?
When I was a child, I never felt NOT good enough. I always felt great about myself. I was "smart", I was popular in school... Mind you, this was elementary school... But still! I went to a HUGE school that went from kindergarten to the 6th grade. It was enormous. It almost looked like a high school or even a college, and in this enormous school, people knew me. Students, teachers, other members of the faculty, simply because I would always sing in the talent shows. I was sort of shy, but also... very outgoing (that doesn't make sense, but the fact is, that's just how I was) I loved having students from the grades higher than me (who were mainly in the same grade as my older brother) asking me to sing for them. I loved that other students wanted to be seen with me and some were even jealous of me. It's nice to feel like I was someone special.
It's no secret that I'm a fan of the spotlight. It's like that line of the song Let Me Be Your Star from the TV show "Smash"
"Fade in on a girl with a hunger for fame and a face and a name to remember..."
That's basically me.
But then, we moved to Northern California (From Southern California) and I started the 5th grade somewhere where people didn't know me at all. They had no idea what I was capable of... I was always shy, and I would stay that way. I was bullied every single day at that school, and I didn't have my big brother to watch over me anymore. At one point, I was even choked, held up, and pushed up against a wall during lunch because I refused to kiss one of my classmates. I was scared, but I said nothing because I was embarrassed. Then, we moved again to a different part of the bay area. I had hoped that it would be a new start. Middle school! There was even an orchestra and band class I joined as my elective. I was in orchestra in my original elementary school and played the violin. Unfortunately, I was just as much of a loser there as I was in the 5th grade... Maybe even worse. On my first day, I was sitting alone at lunch. I wasn't eating... I was just sitting alone on the ground, and these 3 obviously popular girls walked up to me. They asked if I wanted to come sit with them, but I said "No thanks"... why? Because I thought they were just messing with me. I'm sure they were because they were the girls who always made me feel like I was a total loser. Why in the world would these popular girls want to be seen with me? I was a total nobody. They had all obviously been friends for a long time, so it seemed sketchy to me, and I didn't want to be embarrassed by them. As time went by, my grades were declining, and I was starting to decline as well, mentally. I had to take the bus to school and home from school. Our bus stop was at the bottom of a 3 way cul-de-sac which we just so happened to live at the very top of on a bit of a hill, so when I'd get off the bus, my brother sometimes would walk with me or ahead... sometimes not at all... and I'd just take that time to think about my life and by the time I'd get home, I'd go straight to my room, plop my backpack on the ground... plop myself on the ground against by bed, and just cry as quietly as possible. Once again, no one knew for the longest time what I had been dealing with at school because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I didn't want them to know that their daughter was a total loser.
I had a few friends... But at one point, they found a "cool" friend and that "cool" friend thought I was too much of a loser to be associated with, so my only two friends who happened to be sisters, dumped me. Now, I was really alone. In school, I would hear so many different horrible things. One of the worst that has always stuck with me was "You're so stupid and ugly, no one's ever going to want to marry you" That one definitely stung.
With my grades being so poor, I had to repeat the 8th grade which meant more disappointment, but it also meant more bullying. Now, I was constantly being asked "how do you flunk the 8th grade?!" followed by giggles from the new 8th graders. I was such a huge disappointment... But more so because the bullying got so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. I told my father that if I had to go back to school, that I'd kill myself. Sure, that sounds super dramatic... but as it turns out, I suffered from depression (and would later come to find out I also suffered from anxiety and bipolar disorder as well as an eating disorder.) I was able to transfer to a new middle school and finish out my 8th grade year there... While I was there, people were finally nice to me!!!! It was very different. I wish I could say that I found my place finally, but sadly, my depression got the better of me, and I had tried to kill myself. I understand what suicide means now, but at the time, I just needed to escape my emotional pain. I ended up in psychiatric treatment for minors where they also diagnosed me as anorexic and wouldn't let me have the shoe laces for my shoes, nor could I use the washroom without supervision for 2 hours after eating in case I wanted to barf my food back up. But if you recall my second blog, I couldn't do it. That's not to say I never attempted it... I just could never actually go through with it once I felt it coming back up. I won't get into the rest because it's a very long story, but either way....................
Then, high school finally rolled around. I had friends from the middle school I'd transferred to during my second go at 8th grade.. I was somebody again, finally. I was actually going out and doing things. My friends and I had hangout spots, and every Friday, we'd go to the roller rink!!! It was awesome! THEN we had to move AGAIN! Still in the bay area.... just about a half an hour away. So, I never got to see them again. It was sad for me... To finally feel like I belonged to a group and then have to lose it when I'd been wanting it for so long. My new high school was... weird. I didn't like it! I joined choir... But I felt lonely still. Even though there were people who would ask me to sing for them much like wwhen I was in elementary school, I'd still feel lonely. I don't know what happened to me. I just didn't care anymore... And again, I felt like a disappointment when I ultimately dropped out of high school. Why did I drop out? Because I failed the 9th grade and was told I needed to repeat that grade as well. And so I did... but I did it through independent studies... where I made it to the 10th grade eventually... only to realize it was too difficult because when I passed the 9th grade, I wasn't passing because I learned all I needed to know; I passed because they couldn't hold me back anymore... I felt like I was set up to fail, so rather than actually failing on ttheir terms, I just dropped out to spare myself th humiliation of failing the 10th grade as well.
When I moved out here, I got a divorce within months of moving, I realized I was addicted to prescription drugs, I did get my GED but then a few months later went on to live in a homeless shelter. I had some relationships fail miserably to a point where someone even told me I made their life miserable and therefore I deserved to be miserable myself. I'd been told by multiple people that their lives were better without me in them. I've had a failed pregnancy; went on to live in a homeless shelter while I was pregnant with my daughter... I've so many failures in life, and I never accomplished anything for myself which has all led up to make me wonder if it's all just because I'm not good enough. Yes, I'm a mother, true. And that's great. But all the things I had aspired to do such as be a singer: Never happened. Be a model: It's... sort of happening, but not in the way I want it to happen... I actually want to model! I love having my photos taken from the photographer who does all the pictures I've had done, but the fact is, I'm likely not thin enough, tall enough, or young enough, and certainly not pretty enough to be an actual model. I also wanted to be a makeup artist: Sure, I'm doing people's makeup, but I'm still doing it for free and making no money off of it. I didn't want to be one of those wives/moms who gets money from her partner/spouse and that's it... I wanted to make my own money! When people tell you to dream big, do they mean "dream big... as long as it's reasonable still"? Because whenever I tell people my dreams, I feel like I'm always being told how unreasonable these dreams are or that I need to dream more realistically... So now what?
I'm turning 32 this year. I've accomplished nothing so far for myself... And why? Because I'm simply just not good enough for the things I wants. I've made attempts. I've sent demos into indie record labels, I've sent photos to local modeling agencies that accept email submissions. I've tried to build a portfolio. I'm trying to make the makeup thing happen, but it doesn't seem to be taking off too well despite the rave reviews my work has gotten from friends of the people I do makeup for. Esp ecially since no one will get their makeu done by me if I'm charging them. I just wish I knew what TO do rather than what NOT to do... and even then, the things I've been told to do, I've done em, and nothing. So does that mean I'm not cut out for these things? I don't know...
My daughter thinks I'm good enough... My fiancé thinks I'm good enough... and that's great! I totally love that I have such a supportive man by my side, and that my daughter is a sweetheart and thinks I'm totally awesome... I just somehow need to find it in me to be good enough for ME... I don't know how I'm gonna make that happen, but that's a new dream. I'm just hoping it's not an unrealistic or unreasonable one... Because I don't want to feel like this anymore.
You know how sometimes you see those moms who "pop pills"? and you think "geeeeeez" and then worry about the child's well-being? Sometimes it's nothing to really think about, and then sometimes it's definitely something to be concerned about when you're a bystander... But then the other day, I saw myself doing something that I was kind of ashamed of...
I was feeling some anxiety as I usually do, but for some reason, I was feeling it during the day when normally my medication keeps me feeling good for most of the day, and I don't have to worry my meds until the evening comes... Usually by then, Aurora's gone to bed... But for some reason, I was feeling is during the day while Aurora was playing. I got up, went over to where I keep my meds, grabbed two pills (just as my prescription says to) and took them... RIGHT-IN FRONT-OF MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it's not the hugest deal on the planet, but she's at an age where everything she sees her parents do, or the things she sees/hears on TV or in movies... whatever... she imitates! It honestly made me feel horrible! I felt like a pill popping mother like the kind I'd see on the show Intervention... I never judged those women because I understood addiction... I just never thought I would be one of those women who'd do it right in front of her child. And believe me... She was watching. I didn't even give it any thought at all... At least not until I had gone to sit down... Then I was like "Wow... Did I really just do that??"
I know I'm not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes as a parent. I know many parents do. I never assumed I was better than any parent or mother... Though I'm sure there are some moms out there who I definitely am better than... Like the ones who starve their children and worse. Ugh. But, I felt so guilty because I labeled myself a pill popper.... Someone who takes every medication possible to ease or numb their pain and all feelings because the truth is, at that time, I was feeling so horrible that I just wanted my daughter's bed time to come at that very moment so I could rest rather than feel gross and have her come up to me asking me "who's that?" as she shows me her dolls... It's cute, but when I'm feeling like crap, I just don't even wanna hear air (Can you hear air?? Is that the same thing as asking what water tastes like? Hmmmmmmmmm. I'd make a great stoner! HAH. I kid.)
I know my medication is necessary.. I just wish I hadn't taken them in front of my daughter. It's like how I wish my fiancé wouldn't hold onto a cigarette the typical way people hold cigarettes... I never want my daughter to see him smoking because I don't want her to try to imitate it. She's already imitating things she sees on TV... The when Aria goes "shhhh" as she puts her finger up to her mouth during the Pretty Little Liars opening theme song... She knows lyrics to songs and has lines from movies memorized... Why wouldn't I worry she could and would imitate certain actions?
I guess it all just boils down to bad habits that need to be broken. I never want my daughter to think she has to do what mommy is doing because I know she does look up to me. I know she also looks up to her daddy. She thinks we have all the answers, and I don't want to set that kind of example for her.
Now, for some good news! I purchased a new microphone and recording software, so I've been busy trying to fiddle around with it and get used to it all. I've had professional studio equipment before, but I also wasn't the one handling any of it; my ex husband learned all of that. I'm just glad we have a huge walk-in closet that I can use as my studio.... it's honest pretty awesome :)
Anyways, that's it for me. I know I'm off by a couple of days. I'll try to get back on schedule right away... I just need to sort some things out, but one thing's for sure... I'm still gonna keep posting because I love it too much to stop :) Much love
So, I haven't been feeling so hot lately. I know I promised a new post every Tuesday and Friday, but wuddaya gonna do, eh?
I've been feeling a bit off, so I'm taking some time. I think that last post kinda brought me down a bit if I'm being honest. If I'm feeling better by Friday, I'll have a new post, but first, I would just like to say something:
I've had many friends message me and open up to me with their own stories and express their feelings because of the things I've written about, and those messages and friends are what make me want to keep writing. I've been through a lot which means I have a lot of stories to tell; many that others will relate to... Sadly. But my aim isn't to be a downer or throw a pity party and rehash the negative and bad things that have happened to me, but rather, it is to help others know they're not alone much like they have done for me once I've written my stories and sent them out into the world for anyone who is interested, to read. Sometimes, we're a part of a club that no one wants to be in or shouldn't have to be in, but it brings us all together, and that's not a bad thing. I also appreciate that people are trusting me enough to open up to me! And you can continue to trust me. More importantly, I appreciate that no one is judging me. Well, at least not out loud lol. But I definitely appreciate all of it.
Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for making it worth the time and effort I put into writing my stories. Sometimes they're difficult to write because it's hard to talk about things that were hard to live through (obviously, since my last one kind of brought me down a bit,) but in the end, the support is there now when it wasn't there before. So, I love you guys! I'll see you in my next post!
A friend of mine just lost her second child. I've had many friends who've miscarried, some who've had multiple losses in a row, or had their baby born sleeping. At that very moment, you never know what to say or how to treat that person. To some, losing a child isn't a big deal because it was either unplanned or they lost their child very early on and they didn't necessarily see "it" as a living being to mourn over yet, and some just have their reasons...
I'll just say, right off the bat, I'm pro-life. I don't like to be preachy, so I also expect the same respect in return; that those who are pro-choice don't get all up in my grill about their beliefs, and why I'm wrong, and they're right, and how pro-choice is pro-women's rights and blah blah blah. I have lots of feminist friends, some are even male feminists, and we get along just fine as long as we keep the mutual understanding that we're never going to see eye to eye on some things. I'm also very open-minded. Born and raised as a Christian, I was taught to believe everything happens for a reason whether it's good or bad. That's fine. I'm older now, so my beliefs have definitely been customized to be my own instead of what I was told to believe or how I was told to think. But ever since I've been kicked out of two, yes, two different churches, both of which I was very involved in for 5 years each, it's hard to know what to believe. I just go by whatever I feel in my heart now. I don't subscribe to any religion, and I don't consider myself a "Christian" but rather, I just refer to myself as a believer (not to be confused with beliebers.) Anyways, I digress. Moving on...
In 2009, I started dating the man who would become my partner in life. I won't get into our story here because that's a story that deserves its own blog dedicated to how he turned his life around and how we turned our relationship around. We had broken up on October 29th that year, and I had been feeling a bit off, so I had asked him to buy me a pregnancy test before we ended it for good. You see, we had one of those juvenile relationships in our 20's where we'd break up then make up then break up and you get the picture. So the next morning, he stopped by with a home pregnancy test. It came with two. I took one, and it immediately became positive! At the time, I was living in someone's basement, so I had to go upstairs anytime I need to use the washroom, and I feel like I literally flew down the stairs running into my bedroom with the biggest smile on my face! For me, this was a sign that we were supposed to be together.
I had taken two just to be sure!
I took the day off from work after phoning my boss and telling her the news. She was actually very okay with me taking the day off because I wanted to see a doctor ASAP! We went to a medi clinic just to confirm everything (as if two positive pregnancy tests weren't enough hah!) and that came out positive as well. SO, it was official! I was pregnant!!! Immediately I started getting ahead of myself with gender and names and what the baby will look like... I don't know why it never occurred to me that it might not be a "forever baby" especially since when I was married, I had found out while I was in psychiatric treatment in California that I was pregnant. They needed to run a pregnancy test due to me needing meds and not wanting to harm the baby and all that jazz. It came back positive, but after a couple of weeks, I wanted to see a positive pregnancy test with my own eyes. I guess I just thought it would make it more real because for some reason, it felt so UNreal. The pregnancy test came back negative. I even took another, and that was negative as well. We went to an OB where they tested me again, and again, negative. We even phoned the hospital where the test had originally come up positive and they had no record of anything. They had explained that their system had crashed and so they lost some medical records. Geez. So I never knew what happened with all of that. It could have been a false positive, it could have been a missed miscarriage, it could have been a chemical pregnancy, who knows? Either way, I was very optimistic when normally, I worry about everything!
Things were going okay until November when my fiance and I broke up AGAIN. He had moved out, and I started cramping. I had posted on facebook that I was having these pains, and my friend and his fiancée offered to drive me to the hospital. They don't even live in the same city, and I only knew the male of the two. I had never met his fiancée before then... she might have been his girlfriend at the time... I can't remember. Anyways, they made the trip (not too terribly far out of the city) to come grab me and were even asking if I needed help walking... Just very very kind people, especially considering the fact that I hadn't talked to HIM in a while, but kindness is kindness... no matter what. They didn't just drive me to the ER... they stayed with me the entire time. I had an ultrasound and found out I was okay. I even got to see the heartbeat for the first time. I had also found out I was only about 6 weeks along.... it seemed a bit unusual, but I must have tested right when my hormone levels were where they needed to be in order to be detected by a pregnancy test. I also found out I had cysts on my ovaries which were the reason I was cramping. Where was the father of this baby anyways? Well, he didn't have a phone, and nobody was picking up where he was staying. I left him a message on facebook, but back then, he was a total jerk who thought I was faking the pain just so he'd feel sorry for me. It was disappointing because he missed out on seeing the heartbeat and hearing from the doctor herself that there was a reason for the pain. I asked if the baby was gonna be okay, and she gave me an answer that wasn't very satisfying "I don't know. It might, it might not." Thanks, doc! I went home, and I sobbed a little because I assumed I was going to be a single parent, especially since the father couldn't even be bothered to come to the hospital. All I know is, I'm still grateful to my friends who helped me that night. You know who you are. Thank you!!!
For a bit, everything was going okay again. At about 9 weeks, I was on speaking terms with the father again... but one night, I had gone to the bathroom and had some spotting. I figured it was okay cuz it wasn't anything too alarming looking. What WAS alarming was how I passed out after using the washroom... I had to crawl out of there and down the stairs and somehow get to my room. I felt better after some water, but I always feel like maybe I should have gone to the hospital that night. Not that going to the hospital would have changed anything had it been the start of everything, but still.
Christmas day rolled around. By then, my fiancé and I were talking about a relationship again and had started it back up. He even got me re-invited to his family's Christmas dinner. I don't really wanna go into all the details, but basically, there was a crazy misunderstanding, and no communication that day, and he and I ended up getting into a huge fight that night over the phone. I was hungry, and they hadn't even opened presents yet... so I was feeling a bit hangry (hungry+angry) not to mention hormonal. He hung up on me, which made me even more upset. I had no idea what was going on, so I kept phoning his sister's house where he was staying and where the supper was taking place. At one point, someone answered the phone and then hung up right away. That kinda got the message across that I wasn't gonna be going anywhere that night... well... I would... but not out to dinner. I started crying because it was not only clear that my boyfriend had just broken up with me on Christmas day, but also, that I was pregnant and alone on Christmas. Are you crying yet? Just wait. I started feeling chest pains, so I immediately phoned for an ambulance. They came and instead of evaluating me, they put me in a room where they keep the people who are on watch in the ER for mental illness. Why did they do that? Because they knew I suffered from anxiety and told me my chest pains were a panic attack. While I was there, they still took my blood and ran tests... but I was sitting alone, in a grubby room in the back of an ER, on Christmas. In all honesty... That room was where I belonged at the time because I didn't think anything could get more depressing than that. You have to remember that I have no family in Canada, and unfortunately I wasn't very close to my only friend because it's difficult to be friends with an ex who has moved on. The same ex I talked about in my addiction blog, and the same ex I'll be referring to as "my friend" in this one. I had no one to talk to and nowhere to go because it was Christmas and everyone was busy doing family things. When I got home via cab, which the hospital paid for, I cried some more... and some more... and basically just all night.
The next morning, I had to suck it up and go to work.. on Boxing Day. The busiest shopping day here in Canada. I worked at a shoe store at the time, and it was insane that day. I hadn't eaten since the night before Christmas (I was trying to keep my appetite for christmas dinner since I was told I had to eat or else I'd never be invited out to their family's holiday supper ever again) and I was also tired because I got home very late from the hospital. At one point, it was so crazy in the store, and I was such a snap show, that a customer who had been waiting to be helped for a while had asked if anyone was ever going to help her and I responded with "I'M PREGNANT, I JUST GOT DUMPED, AND I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY!!!" I may have broken down a bit which I know is highly unprofessional, but the lady was actually very sweet and asked me to eat because I have a baby growing inside of me. So, I asked my boss if I could go grab some food. While I was at the store (I worked in a mall that had a drugstore near my store) getting food, I grabbed another HPT because I was so scared that all the stress was bad for the baby. At that point, I was 11 weeks and 3 days. The test came back positive, which made me happy, although at the time, I didn't know anything about miscarriages and hormones and all that like I do now. I had also finally heard from HIM... my new ex (who I'll be referring to as my ex in this blog post.) He told me he wasn't wanting to talk and just wanted to take a break from everything. *Sigh* I couldn't work anymore. I only had an hour left of work, but I left early because I just couldn't take it anymore.
The next day, I was talking to my friend (the ex from before) because we were sort of distant friends. We never hung out.... just emailed every once in a while. I don't really remember what I said to upset him, but he ended up telling me to not call him ever again. WHAT??? K, so, I lost my boyfriend, I lost my only friend in Canada... I was basically scared out of my mind about what was next to lose because all I had left was the baby I assumed was growing inside of me. I just wanted to crawl into a hole!
I refused to lose someone so special in my life, so I got in a cab and went straight to his house without asking. We worked things out, and I even brought the scrabble game he had bought me for Christmas. We were in the kitchen when I suddenly had to use the washroom. WARNING: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS AHEAD --- When I wiped, I noticed a kind of pinky peachy tinged discharge... it was a bit watery and had an odd smell. Smelled a little like bleach. Was very strange, but I took it as normal because they say heavy discharge is normal as pregnancy progresses. In fact, in my pregnancy with my daughter, I always thought my water had broken too soon and was scared the same was happening again because of this experience. I also thought maybe the lighting was making things look a little off in colour. So, we played some scrabble... and I kept feeling this discharge leaking out of me and the colour kept coming off as a peachy colour. So I phoned the healthline we have available to us here. The nurse on the phone suggested I go in to the hospital. I kind of wanted to wait a bit because I really didn't wanna hang out in the ER again when I was just there! But then the cramps started coming. So, my friend offered to take me to the ER. He went to start his car because it was winter time, and that's what people do in the winter... they start their cars 10 minutes before they leave lol. While he was out starting his car, I went to use the washroom again. That's when my heart felt like it had sank because that's when it was no longer a peachy tinged discharge... but a bright red colour. It was blood.
We left, and I was shaking the entire way. I remember the cramps started to get worse and worse, and of course, a stupid train was crossing as we were trying to get to the hospital. UGH! We get there, and it's fairly busy. My anxiety started to pick up with all the sickos at triage. I got registered finally after I let some people go ahead of me who looked like they were in bad shape... but also... I just was scared of what I was going to be facing in the hours to come. On one hand, I needed to hear what was going on, good or bad... on the other... I just wanted to hold onto my baby for as long as I could. Even just the idea that there was still a baby living inside of me... that was all I wanted. This is the point where it becomes a bit more difficult to write, and at this moment, difficult to see because I'm writing through tears.
I had to use the washroom in the waiting room. I really didn't want to, but I needed to. Again, I wiped, and there was more blood, all the while, I'm continuously trying to get ahold of my ex. I even wrote status updates on facebook hoping he'd phone me or message me. I finally got taken to a "room" which was thankfully the one on the very end because the washroom was just across my bed. My friend stayed with me the whole time. He didn't have to... it wasn't his job to look after me, but he did. I made another trip to the washroom and the bleeding appeared to have stopped, but it didn't really give me hope. My friend, bless him, was trying so hard to be positive for me.
It felt like we were waiting forever, and after a couple of hours, I almost wanted to go home. My friend went over to the nurse's station and yelled at them. Finally, someone came and took some blood. The doctor came to see me. He didn't know anything yet, but of course, he's a doctor... he sees these kinds of things and worse all the time, so he had the attitude of someone who wasn't really affected in any way. That's okay, I expect that from doctors and nurses. My friend had to yell at the nurses again because it was just taking way too long. By then, I wanna say we were there for maybe 10 hours? It's a bit of a jumbled blur. Even in the middle of the night, I was trying to get ahold of my ex. I knew there'd be no answer, but I kept trying anyways, and it wasn't long after my friend yelled at the nurse that the doctor came back and explained everything. You see, since I had just been to the hospital a couple of days before and had blood work done, they were able to compare my hormone levels from Christmas to that night... unfortunately, the levels had dropped significantly which meant I had lost my baby. I thought I was going to cry that very moment, but I didn't... the words he was saying sounded like they were coming from far away and I had that thousand-yard stare.... like all of my hopes and dreams had been shattered into a trillion tiny pieces in one quick little second. My friend cried before I did... and then finally when the words the doctor had been saying hit me... I was sad, but it wasn't until I went on facebook where people had been waiting for an update when it really got to me... When I finally broke down.
Writing those words in my status "Rest in heaven now" made it more real than when the doctor came to give me the news I'd spent hours and hours waiting to hear.
I couldn't sleep, so I asked a nurse if she could give me something to help me sleep. When she came back with some Ativan, she told me she had heard what had happened and that she was sorry for my loss... it was the first time a member of the hospital's staff had acknowledged that I had lost my child. I can't remember if I thanked her, but I remember being grateful for her sincerity. My friend had the option to leave and if he chose to, come back in the morning... but instead, he chose to stay since the doctor wanted me to stay overnight to have an ultrasound once the real morning had come (by real, I mean not the middle of the night). My friend slept awkwardly on the chair beside my hospital bed, and though I was medicated, I kept waking up thinking it was all just a bad dream... but unfortunately, I kept waking up in the same place which meant it wasn't a dream. From my bed, I could hear monitors beeping, and nurses walking by and talking... I could see the window that was on the other side of the room, and therefore, could see that the morning was almost here.
At around 7am, I got moved to a different room. It was an actual room. I then had gotten taken to get the ultrasound done and asked my friend to come with me if he wanted to. He was in there with me and held my hand... I couldn't bring myself to look at the screen. I don't know why... I just couldn't. I was tempted, but I knew there would be no heartbeat. I knew they weren't looking for one. I knew they were only confirming what the blood test had already said to be true. My baby was no longer living, and the ultrasound confirmed it. A doctor came in to tell me everything. I can't remember if she had told me when the baby had passed away, but she had given me a few options. One was a D&C (dilation & curettage where they dilate the cervix and bring the baby out) to which I said no to because there are risks. The second option was a pill called Misoprostol which I would have to insert up my hoo-haw every 12 hours and it would induce labour, and then the third option was to let nature take its course. I chose option number #2. She gave me 3 pills and told me she'd only send me home with them as long as I had someone to watch over me in case I started bleeding too much. I said that wouldn't be a problem. I had also phoned my ex at around 8:30am at his work.... I knew he couldn't hide from me there, and I was right. I asked his boss if I could speak with him, they went and got him, and I finally had him on the phone. I told him everything. He didn't believe me at first. He thought it was some sort of sick stunt to get him to talk to me and be around me. I had to break it to him that this was real. He got off the phone with me, and my cell phone had died, so I was unaware that he was trying to get ahold of me to tell me that he couldn't stay at work. He was too heartbroken. This may seem strange considering the way he'd been acting, and when you read on, it gets a little more confusing.
Despite everything, I was starving, so my friend stopped and grabbed us some food on our way back to his place because that's where I thought I'd be staying. When I finally was able to charge my phone, that's when I had seen my ex was trying to get ahold of me. He said he wanted to be there for me, so my friend drove me home. My ex came to see me and then mentioned to me that he couldn't stay for long because he was going to be hanging out with a friend.... Uh.... WHAT??? Regardless, I had to take my first round of this pill, and within a half an hour I started cramping. But that wasn't even the tip of the iceberg when it came to pain. My ex promised to come see me the next day, and even though my friend had been taking care of me for 15.5 hours in the hospital, I had no choice but to ask if he would watch over me again. So, he did. I felt horrible for even asking, but he didn't seem upset. If he was, he didn't show it at all.
At around 5am, I woke up to intense cramping. I can't describe it, but it was like nothing I had ever felt before. I had to somehow make my way to the washroom. WARNING AGAIN: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION AHEAD --- I had made it to the toilet with an urge to push... which I did. I was about to give birth to my child in a toilet... Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the guilt I felt for giving birth in the same place people go to... do gross things... I honestly was mortified at the whole situation, but even more mortified at what I saw as it was coming out. I actually screamed for my friend who was sleeping. He rushed in and held my hand as I pushed. Imagine going through labour and then having to get up and walk away from the tiny little body ... because if you had to live it, you wouldn't be able to sleep for the next few nights. As I was leaving the washroom, I felt sick. I was still in a lot of pain, and I was feeling very weak and lightheaded not to mention nauseated and emotional. My friend rushed to get me some water, but not before I rushed to the bed so I didn't faint on the basement floor which was cold hard concrete. I remember needing to breathe as if I was in labour. I'd get these waves of pain ... contractions. My friend was laying beside me holding my hand letting me squeeze as hard as I needed to, and he was trying so hard to help me calm my breathing to something that wasn't hyperventilation. I was also thinking "he shouldn't be the one doing this... this wasn't his burden.. this wasn't his baby" as well as "I'm going through all of this and yet my arms will remain empty when this is all over" Usually when you go through the pains of labour and delivery, it's worth it because you leave with a baby... But not this time.
I've never been able to thank my friend enough for what he did for me that night... well, actually, that week. My ex never did show up the next day claiming he had car issues. But on top of that, he wouldn't take my calls or answer my messages. I'd leave messages with his sister that he claims he never got... Maybe he didn't. It doesn't matter at this point. On new years eve, because I had to take a week off to recover as well as other things that happen when you miscarry, I thought maybe I was done with everything. I hadn't pushed anything out in a while, so I figured it was okay to finally start doing things. I asked my friend to dye my hair lol! Which he did, and he did a great job! I decided to get a piercing... so I went and got a vertical labret which looked super awesome at the time hah. I also went and got a little haircut at the mall and my friend bought me a shirt! I stopped in at work to say hi... I'm not even gonna lie, I went out in pajama pants and fuzzy boots wearing a toque over my head. I looked like crap hah! But wuddaya gonna do?! At least I was trying to move on with my life. Unfortunately while we were at the mall, I started feeling like I had more to push out. We booked it back to his place where once again, I was traumatized by what I saw in the toilet. It was frustrating because anytime it seemed like I was done, I'd find out soon after that I wasn't. What else was there to push out of me?? I don't even know. It was just... I can't even explain it.
We played Rock Band the Beatles edition (anybody remember rock band??) into the new year, and about an hour after midnight, I finally get a message from the ex. He was apologizing for acting the way he was acting. He said the whole thing sent him into a shame spiral because he realized how horrible he was acting, and that he wasn't there for me during the time I needed him the most. He seemed pretty depressed
We agreed to meet the next morning, so he came over, and I told him how I felt... what had been going on, and he promised to be there for me from then on... A promise which he kept. The rest of that part of the story is for a different post though.
After I miscarried, I had a lot of people telling me it was for the best or that it wasn't the right timing... that everything happens for a reason. And while that may be true, at the time, that wasn't what I wanted, or even needed to hear. I got so angry with some of my closest friends and even my mom and brother for acting like they were relieved. I was just angry though. I was angry at God, I was angry at my ex, I was angry at myself.. I was angry at the entire world!!! I couldn't understand at the time that maybe it was for the best, especially because if I had had that baby, I wouldn't have had my daughter! And my daughter is AWESOME even if she does act like a demon possessed toddler ever since she turned 3 (ugh) but in my heart, at that time, there was no good reason. I lost friends due to my anger. Thankfully I was able to gain them back after I settled down a bit and realized it wasn't their fault. They weren't being bad friends. My mom and brother even deleted me on facebook! Again, it's not because they're bad family members or friends.... it was because I had failed to see that they were only trying to comfort me the only way they knew how. But for the record, it's not okay to say things such as "it was for the best" or "your baby is with God now" because while someday, those words will be true or comforting, they also can be very angering and cause resentment towards the man upstairs... Because I wanted my baby to be with ME, not Him. And to lose all of that in just a few days.. one right after another... it felt unfair. It felt like God was picking on me. I kept asking what I did wrong! If I had eaten those days I didn't eat after Christmas, would my child have lived? If I hadn't stressed out so much over everything, would I be taking care of a different child than the one I have now? I don't know. Probably not. I even had someone (someone my fiancé had known) tell me I faked my pregnancy and faked the miscarriage. I tried explaining how that wasn't possible, but this person just would NOT believe a word I said. She kept saying I was poisonous for him and that I'd end up hurting him... It was horrible to go through all that I went through and have my pain invalidated by someone. It was so frustrating!!!
Let me break it down for you: When a woman finds out she's pregnant, she starts to dream about her child. She starts making plans and having hopes for what their future will be. I'm sure there are men out there who think the same way, but a woman becomes a mother the second she finds out she's pregnant. Many times, it's as soon as she starts trying to have a baby. Why do I think that? Because we're carrying another human being inside of our bodies. Every decision we make affects our unborn child. We start making better, and more responsible choices because it's not just "MY life" it's "OUR LIVES". We're already taking care of our child and bonding with them. They're comforted by the sound of our heartbeat and our voice. They're nourished by the food we put in our system. When we stress, they feel it. Then when they're big enough to start feeling their movements and their kicks, it's like these little signs that let us know they're okay, they're just making themselves comfortable. All of these things are thought of as soon as a woman finds out she's pregnant, and when that gets taken away, it's devastating. It is literally crushing our dream. So please think about that the next time you are trying to comfort a friend who has lost a child because it's helpful to understand where we're coming from.
I'm not, nor will I ever be happy that I lost my child, even though I have the world's coolest kid now.... it still hurts. It will always hurt. It just gets a little easier each year. I will always consider my daughter to be my second child even though I may never say it out loud. Someday, she'll know she has a brother or sister who lives far far away in heaven. When she's old enough to understand, of course. But right now, I'm just grateful that I had my rainbow baby, and I truly hope that anyone who has ever experienced the sting of losing a child whether it was a miscarriage, or a baby born still, or a baby that left soon after being born... whatever the situation, I hope and pray that your heart will mend or has been mended. I won't say there's a reason for everything. It's not my place to say because some day, everything will fall into place and you'll see it all for yourself. But if you're hurting from a loss, just get your feelings out however you need to. If you need to scream and cry and curse at God or whoever/whatever you believe in, then do it. And if you're someone witnessing a friend's loss, let them do that. It's what they need to do in order to heal. I know this has been a long blog... more like a short story, but if you actually read through the entire thing, then I thank you! And congrats for making it all the way, lol.
Until next time
Toots McGee!!!
P.S If there are any typos or grammatical errors, please excuse them. This was a hard one to write, and I kept having to stop to wipe away tears. I'll try and go through it later to fix any mistakes if there are any. Much love.
