5 years!!!

Engagement Photo - By Phil Haskins



On may 14, 2009, I got a message from a dude I didn't know. He just wanted to say hi and let me know he liked my hair! HAH! He had seen me through a comment I made on something a mutual friend had posted. I never responded (I'm a jerk! Teehee!) and though I accept his Facebook friend request, I never did talk to him. I'd see status updates, pictures posted, links to different things... Posts about Eminem (Bahahhahaaa!)... And I'd see his name and think "who is this?? Brad Grayson?? Who's that??" I came SO close to deleting him a few times, but I'm so glad I never did. I don't know why... I just had a strong feeling that I needed to keep him on my list.

Then, one day, I was sad... And he reached out to me through another Facebook message. This time, I actually responded. We became actual friends who talked through Facebook messenger and MSN messenger on a daily basis, and I found out what a sweet guy this Brad Grayson was lol. He'd come visit me at work during my breaks and we'd chat about life and the things we were interested in, and it turned out we had a LOT in common. Just one tiny problem: I had sworn off relationships! Why??? Because I was protecting my heart. None of my other relationships worked out, and it seemed like I was always the one getting hurt... And it usually had a lot to do with my mental illness. It was always too much for them to handle after a while, and as much as it sucked, I couldn't blame 'em. I was a lot to handle!

I always warned men from the beginning "I've got issues... you're gonna wanna run away eventually... I'm giving you an out" None ever took them because they all thought they liked me enough that they could handle it... Plus, they had no idea what they were in for. Eventually, once it got tiring for them and after my heart was already deeply invested, they finally wanted out. In 2009, I decided that I was done trying because my heart couldn't take anymore rejection, and when I met Brad, I was still dead set on remaining single!!!

... But Brad... He was sweet, and funny, and adorkable, and above all, he was patient. He knew my thoughts on relationships, and he was perfectly happy being my friend even though he knew I wasn't looking for anything other than a friend, but that didn't stop him from telling me I was beautiful and wonderful. I guess he charmed me pretty heavily because a bit over a month later, I took a leap of faith and decided to give a relationship a chance... And it may have been the best thing I ever did for myself!

This weekend  (June 28th, 2014) is a very special weekend for us because it marks 5 years of being together and growing together. We haven't been together the entire 5 years because we both have had a lot of issues to work on as individuals before we could achieve a healthy relationship. We made it though! We even have little miniature versions of the both of us! One is in heaven, and one is asleep in her bed right now. We've been through hell and back, and as of September 11th 2011, we haven't looked back. Every day with him is a wonderful gift, and though we may have some epic fights, our love for one another is even more epic!

SO, Happy 5 years, sir!

 

Don't be a bully!

I know it's been a LONG while since I've written anything on here, but some stuff has come up that I wanted to address.

Recently, someone from my past kinda resurfaced, and it was unpleasant to say the least. Through someone mutual and a bit of confusion on this mutual friend's part, I found out some pretty nasty things were being said about me. I was trying to just let it roll off my back, but it's been on my mind a lot lately, and I really needed to say something.

Remember my open letter post to this girl? Turns out she never read it claiming I just write mean things about her and she didn't have time to read my "novel". She also stated that I was obsessed with her when I was done thinking about her until this all came up. Amongst those things she said were many other names that I can't say on here because... well... they're horrible. The sad part is, that letter wasn't meant as a way to be mean to her... it was a way to gain peace for the both of us. The other thing is... if I'm the one obsessed, how did she even know the post existed? Or any of the posts on my facebook that I made public for her? The crazy thing is... She's made herself the victim.

Here's the thing... At what point in your life... at what age and stage in your life do you finally realize that you're a bully if you say things like that about another human being? The occasional private chat between friends is one thing, but then you also start lying to everyone publically about who I am and what kind of a person I am. I'm a human being! I breathe the same air as everyone else. I have a heart and a brain like everybody else... Yet these aren't things people think about when they say something cruel about someone else. They can only hope that their words will be hurtful, and that is the true nature of a bully.Yes, I was bullied in school, and you keep seeing all these "It gets better" ads and hope that when you grow up, the bullying stops. As an adult, I'd see them, and I agreed because for a very long time, it did get better... But then you meet someone who eventually reminds you of your past, and suddenly, you don't feel safe anymore. Not necessarily with them, but with yourself. You start to doubt your self-worth. You start to feel as though the world would be a better place without you when people start ganging up on you. The way they feel about you is the way you start to feel about yourself. The words they're saying, you start believing to be true again. STOP!

It's all a lie! You see, bullies don't bully because they're better than you. They do it because they're insecure. They're trying to make themselves feel better by pointing out others' flaws in order to distract people and even themselves from their own flaws. Of course a bully will never admit to that, but if you think about it... Why didn't my ex-friend read that letter? It might have been long, true... but I strongly believe that she was too afraid that I might have put her in her place. That I might have said something that would make her have to face the facts. Nobody likes a dose of reality. It's a bitter pill to swallow in which case, it's sad to think there may be no hope for her. I was never truly mean to her. I only laid out facts. They were made public because she didn't want a response from me, and as mentioned before, I knew she'd stalk my page through a different account, so I made them public.

When I was a kid, I was a wallflower and a doormat. I never stood up for myself. I let it all happen because I was scared. I've stopped letting people hurt me, and I will continue to stand up for myself until the day I die. She, along with others, may have made me hate myself, but I temporarily lost sight of something very very important: THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER! My daughter, my fiancé, my awesome friends and family! Not to mention the fact that I'm planning a wedding! This girl doesn't know me anymore. She was removed from my life for a reason which she only justified with her actions, and therefore, her opinions don't matter. She doesn't matter to me and my life! I just have to let God or Karma or whatever deal with her when the time comes, and enjoy my wonderful and fulfilled life.

Anyways, I'm signing off. I just needed to get that off my chest. I can only hope she let's it all go and moves on for good. Life is too short to waste trying to bring down someone you hate. For now, I leave you all with the wise words of Sara Bareilles "You can be the outcast or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love, or you can start speaking up"