Diary of a... Pill-popper??

You know how sometimes you see those moms who "pop pills"? and you think "geeeeeez" and then worry about the child's well-being? Sometimes it's nothing to really think about, and then sometimes it's definitely something to be concerned about when you're a bystander... But then the other day, I saw myself doing something that I was kind of ashamed of...

I was feeling some anxiety as I usually do, but for some reason, I was feeling it during the day when normally my medication keeps me feeling good for most of the day, and I don't have to worry my meds until the evening comes... Usually by then, Aurora's gone to bed... But for some reason, I was feeling is during the day while Aurora was playing. I got up, went over to where I keep my meds, grabbed two pills (just as my prescription says to) and took them... RIGHT-IN FRONT-OF MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's not the hugest deal on the planet, but she's at an age where everything she sees her parents do, or the things she sees/hears on TV or in movies... whatever... she imitates! It honestly made me feel horrible! I felt like a pill popping mother like the kind I'd see on the show Intervention... I never judged those women because I understood addiction... I just never thought I would be one of those women who'd do it right in front of her child. And believe me... She was watching. I didn't even give it any thought at all... At least not until I had gone to sit down... Then I was like "Wow... Did I really just do that??"

I know I'm not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes as a parent. I know many parents do. I never assumed I was better than any parent or mother... Though I'm sure there are some moms out there who I definitely am better than... Like the ones who starve their children and worse. Ugh. But, I felt so guilty because I labeled myself a pill popper.... Someone who takes every medication possible to ease or numb their pain and all feelings because the truth is, at that time, I was feeling so horrible that I just wanted my daughter's bed time to come at that very moment so I could rest rather than feel gross and have her come up to me asking me "who's that?" as she shows me her dolls... It's cute, but when I'm feeling like crap, I just don't even wanna hear air (Can you hear air?? Is that the same thing as asking what water tastes like? Hmmmmmmmmm. I'd make a great stoner! HAH. I kid.)

I know my medication is necessary.. I just wish I hadn't taken them in front of my daughter. It's like how I wish my fiancé wouldn't hold onto a cigarette the typical way people hold cigarettes... I never want my daughter to see him smoking because I don't want her to try to imitate it. She's already imitating things she sees on TV... The when Aria goes "shhhh" as she puts her finger up to her mouth during the Pretty Little Liars opening theme song... She knows lyrics to songs and has lines from movies memorized... Why wouldn't I worry she could and would imitate certain actions?

I guess it all just boils down to bad habits that need to be broken. I never want my daughter to think she has to do what mommy is doing because I know she does look up to me. I know she also looks up to her daddy. She thinks we have all the answers, and I don't want to set that kind of example for her.

Now, for some good news! I purchased a new microphone and recording software, so I've been busy trying to fiddle around with it and get used to it all. I've had professional studio equipment before, but I also wasn't the one handling any of it; my ex husband learned all of that. I'm just glad we have a huge walk-in closet that I can use as my studio.... it's honest pretty awesome :)

Anyways, that's it for me. I know I'm off by a couple of days. I'll try to get back on schedule right away... I just need to sort some things out, but one thing's for sure... I'm still gonna keep posting because I love it too much to stop :) Much love

Toots McGee!

Being a mother....

Truth be told, I had different plans for the topic of today's blog, but I ended up going with a different topic for two different reasons. One is because my threenager is sick with a cold that was passed down from her father, then to me, and now to her. Ugh. The other reason is because of a conversation my best friend and I had earlier.


A sweet moment captured between mother and daughter

Earlier tonight, my best friend and I were chatting about how my fiancé and I have discussed having another child. At first, he was strongly against it, but now, we're at the point where he'll at least think about it and weigh what he believes are the pros and cons of having another child. Anyways, my friend and I talked about how I really do want another some day, but how I'd feel guilty. When she asked why I'd feel guilty, I explained to her how I don't want Aurora to ever feel like she's less important or less special given the fact that when I was pregnant, I never had a baby shower; I never had maternity pictures done; I didn't have any pictures (except one) of me holding Aurora in the hospital when she was born. I didn't get any cute professional newborn photos done of her like I wanted to... And most importantly, my fiancé  wasn't around for the first 9 months of her life. He was a bit more hands on after 4 months, but that was only because I had to stop nursing her which meant he could take her overnight at his place. Before then, he rarely saw her because he was kind of a jerk. And in case anyone is confused, my fiancé and I were not together  throughout the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy. I'll be saving that story for a blog of its own, but I just want to make things clear that my fiancé went through a lot of great changes at the 9 month mark, hence why once 9 months rolled around, we got back together, and since then, we've been a very happy and healthy couple. But again, I'll devote a blog post just about that some day.

Even once we were together again, we weren't living together, so he didn't get to see Aurora the way he sees her now which is every day now that we are living together. And it would make me feel guilty if our new baby got everything Aurora didn't get. In talking with my friend, she gave some great advice: To just include her in everything! Not sure why I didn't think of that, but it's definitely a great idea. Have her help with the baby shower! Have her in all the maternity pictures. Have her in all of the newborn pics... Well, maybe not ALL... But just include her and make her feel special, too. And someday, if she ever asks, we can explain to her what happened and why she never got any of those things for her. None of them will hurt her, so I see no harm in telling her if she ever asks. If she doesn't, we'll let it be.

I love being a mother. I really do. And I hope someday that I will have two beautiful children! That Aurora can have a sibling. A friend for life! I love my older brother! He's like my buddy sometimes, and even though I never see him because we live in different countries, I still love chatting with him through Facebook and texts. :) Being a mother isn't easy. It can get frustrating... Especially when they're newborns and can't communicate. Then they're toddlers and they're a bit... Uh... Crazy? Yeah, crazy is a decent word, but it's like.. A different kind of crazy, lol. They can communicate, but they are picky and can't make up their cute little minds! And pregnancy isn't fun either! Then there's childbirth.... It's hard to imagine why any woman would WANT  another child after going through it once before and knowing what you'll be in for. But the truth is, being a mother is my favourite thing ever! Aurora loves to challenge me... And I love that about her! I love the challenges she brings me, too! She's so funny, and sweet, and she loves to sing to and with me, which is a huge, and literal dream come true! It's all worth it to me! I know what I'd have to deal with, and I don't mind it because I have a lot of love in my heart, and I just wanna share it someday with another little one! I'm not saying I wanna have a baby soon like.. In 9 months lol. But once Brad and I get married, which we still haven't even set a date for, I wouldn't mind trying for another.

I wonder if any other parents with more than one child has ever felt guilty at any point in time for whatever reason(s). Is it normal to feel that guilt? I don't know! I just know that if I'm ever lucky enough to be blessed with another child, my love for Aurora won't change, and my love for my new child will still be very strong.

Until next time!

Toots McGee!

Watch Aurora's 3rd birthday tribute video (not available on mobile, sorry!)