When I was a child, I never felt NOT good enough. I always felt great about myself. I was "smart", I was popular in school... Mind you, this was elementary school... But still! I went to a HUGE school that went from kindergarten to the 6th grade. It was enormous. It almost looked like a high school or even a college, and in this enormous school, people knew me. Students, teachers, other members of the faculty, simply because I would always sing in the talent shows. I was sort of shy, but also... very outgoing (that doesn't make sense, but the fact is, that's just how I was) I loved having students from the grades higher than me (who were mainly in the same grade as my older brother) asking me to sing for them. I loved that other students wanted to be seen with me and some were even jealous of me. It's nice to feel like I was someone special.
It's no secret that I'm a fan of the spotlight. It's like that line of the song Let Me Be Your Star from the TV show "Smash"
"Fade in on a girl with a hunger for fame and a face and a name to remember..."That's basically me.
But then, we moved to Northern California (From Southern California) and I started the 5th grade somewhere where people didn't know me at all. They had no idea what I was capable of... I was always shy, and I would stay that way. I was bullied every single day at that school, and I didn't have my big brother to watch over me anymore. At one point, I was even choked, held up, and pushed up against a wall during lunch because I refused to kiss one of my classmates. I was scared, but I said nothing because I was embarrassed. Then, we moved again to a different part of the bay area. I had hoped that it would be a new start. Middle school! There was even an orchestra and band class I joined as my elective. I was in orchestra in my original elementary school and played the violin. Unfortunately, I was just as much of a loser there as I was in the 5th grade... Maybe even worse. On my first day, I was sitting alone at lunch. I wasn't eating... I was just sitting alone on the ground, and these 3 obviously popular girls walked up to me. They asked if I wanted to come sit with them, but I said "No thanks"... why? Because I thought they were just messing with me. I'm sure they were because they were the girls who always made me feel like I was a total loser. Why in the world would these popular girls want to be seen with me? I was a total nobody. They had all obviously been friends for a long time, so it seemed sketchy to me, and I didn't want to be embarrassed by them. As time went by, my grades were declining, and I was starting to decline as well, mentally. I had to take the bus to school and home from school. Our bus stop was at the bottom of a 3 way cul-de-sac which we just so happened to live at the very top of on a bit of a hill, so when I'd get off the bus, my brother sometimes would walk with me or ahead... sometimes not at all... and I'd just take that time to think about my life and by the time I'd get home, I'd go straight to my room, plop my backpack on the ground... plop myself on the ground against by bed, and just cry as quietly as possible. Once again, no one knew for the longest time what I had been dealing with at school because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I didn't want them to know that their daughter was a total loser.
I had a few friends... But at one point, they found a "cool" friend and that "cool" friend thought I was too much of a loser to be associated with, so my only two friends who happened to be sisters, dumped me. Now, I was really alone. In school, I would hear so many different horrible things. One of the worst that has always stuck with me was "You're so stupid and ugly, no one's ever going to want to marry you" That one definitely stung.
With my grades being so poor, I had to repeat the 8th grade which meant more disappointment, but it also meant more bullying. Now, I was constantly being asked "how do you flunk the 8th grade?!" followed by giggles from the new 8th graders. I was such a huge disappointment... But more so because the bullying got so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. I told my father that if I had to go back to school, that I'd kill myself. Sure, that sounds super dramatic... but as it turns out, I suffered from depression (and would later come to find out I also suffered from anxiety and bipolar disorder as well as an eating disorder.) I was able to transfer to a new middle school and finish out my 8th grade year there... While I was there, people were finally nice to me!!!! It was very different. I wish I could say that I found my place finally, but sadly, my depression got the better of me, and I had tried to kill myself. I understand what suicide means now, but at the time, I just needed to escape my emotional pain. I ended up in psychiatric treatment for minors where they also diagnosed me as anorexic and wouldn't let me have the shoe laces for my shoes, nor could I use the washroom without supervision for 2 hours after eating in case I wanted to barf my food back up. But if you recall my second blog, I couldn't do it. That's not to say I never attempted it... I just could never actually go through with it once I felt it coming back up. I won't get into the rest because it's a very long story, but either way....................
Then, high school finally rolled around. I had friends from the middle school I'd transferred to during my second go at 8th grade.. I was somebody again, finally. I was actually going out and doing things. My friends and I had hangout spots, and every Friday, we'd go to the roller rink!!! It was awesome! THEN we had to move AGAIN! Still in the bay area.... just about a half an hour away. So, I never got to see them again. It was sad for me... To finally feel like I belonged to a group and then have to lose it when I'd been wanting it for so long. My new high school was... weird. I didn't like it! I joined choir... But I felt lonely still. Even though there were people who would ask me to sing for them much like wwhen I was in elementary school, I'd still feel lonely. I don't know what happened to me. I just didn't care anymore... And again, I felt like a disappointment when I ultimately dropped out of high school. Why did I drop out? Because I failed the 9th grade and was told I needed to repeat that grade as well. And so I did... but I did it through independent studies... where I made it to the 10th grade eventually... only to realize it was too difficult because when I passed the 9th grade, I wasn't passing because I learned all I needed to know; I passed because they couldn't hold me back anymore... I felt like I was set up to fail, so rather than actually failing on ttheir terms, I just dropped out to spare myself th humiliation of failing the 10th grade as well.
When I moved out here, I got a divorce within months of moving, I realized I was addicted to prescription drugs, I did get my GED but then a few months later went on to live in a homeless shelter. I had some relationships fail miserably to a point where someone even told me I made their life miserable and therefore I deserved to be miserable myself. I'd been told by multiple people that their lives were better without me in them. I've had a failed pregnancy; went on to live in a homeless shelter while I was pregnant with my daughter... I've so many failures in life, and I never accomplished anything for myself which has all led up to make me wonder if it's all just because I'm not good enough. Yes, I'm a mother, true. And that's great. But all the things I had aspired to do such as be a singer: Never happened. Be a model: It's... sort of happening, but not in the way I want it to happen... I actually want to model! I love having my photos taken from the photographer who does all the pictures I've had done, but the fact is, I'm likely not thin enough, tall enough, or young enough, and certainly not pretty enough to be an actual model. I also wanted to be a makeup artist: Sure, I'm doing people's makeup, but I'm still doing it for free and making no money off of it. I didn't want to be one of those wives/moms who gets money from her partner/spouse and that's it... I wanted to make my own money! When people tell you to dream big, do they mean "dream big... as long as it's reasonable still"? Because whenever I tell people my dreams, I feel like I'm always being told how unreasonable these dreams are or that I need to dream more realistically... So now what?
I'm turning 32 this year. I've accomplished nothing so far for myself... And why? Because I'm simply just not good enough for the things I wants. I've made attempts. I've sent demos into indie record labels, I've sent photos to local modeling agencies that accept email submissions. I've tried to build a portfolio. I'm trying to make the makeup thing happen, but it doesn't seem to be taking off too well despite the rave reviews my work has gotten from friends of the people I do makeup for. Esp ecially since no one will get their makeu done by me if I'm charging them. I just wish I knew what TO do rather than what NOT to do... and even then, the things I've been told to do, I've done em, and nothing. So does that mean I'm not cut out for these things? I don't know...
My daughter thinks I'm good enough... My fiancé thinks I'm good enough... and that's great! I totally love that I have such a supportive man by my side, and that my daughter is a sweetheart and thinks I'm totally awesome... I just somehow need to find it in me to be good enough for ME... I don't know how I'm gonna make that happen, but that's a new dream. I'm just hoping it's not an unrealistic or unreasonable one... Because I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Until next time...
Toots McGee
You are good enough Melody. You are more than good enough actually. You need to see the things that you have accomplished already in life. Such as, having a daughter, a family, and keeping that family together. Being the rock for Brad, getting your GED, being a caring friend, those are all accomplishments. Just depends how you look at it. Maybe you do need to set up realistic goals, not that you arent good enough but some dreams are hard to achieve in little old Saskatchewan. You could further your education and try go for a real career. You can't give up though, sulking and self pity will get you no where. Take action. It's up to you. How badly do you want to be successful? A positive future begins with a positive attitude. Now go out there and get started!! ;)
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