Diary of a... Pill-popper??

You know how sometimes you see those moms who "pop pills"? and you think "geeeeeez" and then worry about the child's well-being? Sometimes it's nothing to really think about, and then sometimes it's definitely something to be concerned about when you're a bystander... But then the other day, I saw myself doing something that I was kind of ashamed of...

I was feeling some anxiety as I usually do, but for some reason, I was feeling it during the day when normally my medication keeps me feeling good for most of the day, and I don't have to worry my meds until the evening comes... Usually by then, Aurora's gone to bed... But for some reason, I was feeling is during the day while Aurora was playing. I got up, went over to where I keep my meds, grabbed two pills (just as my prescription says to) and took them... RIGHT-IN FRONT-OF MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's not the hugest deal on the planet, but she's at an age where everything she sees her parents do, or the things she sees/hears on TV or in movies... whatever... she imitates! It honestly made me feel horrible! I felt like a pill popping mother like the kind I'd see on the show Intervention... I never judged those women because I understood addiction... I just never thought I would be one of those women who'd do it right in front of her child. And believe me... She was watching. I didn't even give it any thought at all... At least not until I had gone to sit down... Then I was like "Wow... Did I really just do that??"

I know I'm not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes as a parent. I know many parents do. I never assumed I was better than any parent or mother... Though I'm sure there are some moms out there who I definitely am better than... Like the ones who starve their children and worse. Ugh. But, I felt so guilty because I labeled myself a pill popper.... Someone who takes every medication possible to ease or numb their pain and all feelings because the truth is, at that time, I was feeling so horrible that I just wanted my daughter's bed time to come at that very moment so I could rest rather than feel gross and have her come up to me asking me "who's that?" as she shows me her dolls... It's cute, but when I'm feeling like crap, I just don't even wanna hear air (Can you hear air?? Is that the same thing as asking what water tastes like? Hmmmmmmmmm. I'd make a great stoner! HAH. I kid.)

I know my medication is necessary.. I just wish I hadn't taken them in front of my daughter. It's like how I wish my fiancé wouldn't hold onto a cigarette the typical way people hold cigarettes... I never want my daughter to see him smoking because I don't want her to try to imitate it. She's already imitating things she sees on TV... The when Aria goes "shhhh" as she puts her finger up to her mouth during the Pretty Little Liars opening theme song... She knows lyrics to songs and has lines from movies memorized... Why wouldn't I worry she could and would imitate certain actions?

I guess it all just boils down to bad habits that need to be broken. I never want my daughter to think she has to do what mommy is doing because I know she does look up to me. I know she also looks up to her daddy. She thinks we have all the answers, and I don't want to set that kind of example for her.

Now, for some good news! I purchased a new microphone and recording software, so I've been busy trying to fiddle around with it and get used to it all. I've had professional studio equipment before, but I also wasn't the one handling any of it; my ex husband learned all of that. I'm just glad we have a huge walk-in closet that I can use as my studio.... it's honest pretty awesome :)

Anyways, that's it for me. I know I'm off by a couple of days. I'll try to get back on schedule right away... I just need to sort some things out, but one thing's for sure... I'm still gonna keep posting because I love it too much to stop :) Much love

Toots McGee!