I MADE A MUSIC VIDEO (And some other exciting announcements!)

On April 17th, 2014, m'dude and I made things official! I'll start from the beginning... sort of:

Valentine's Day 2012, my dude asked me to marry him. I had actually set up something sweet and romantic for when he came over with candles and home made decorations that I had scattered across the floor... all with reasons I loved him. The song that played in the background was "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie because it was kinda our song... At the end of my little trail, I was sitting on the floor with one last reason I loved him (That's not to say those were the only reasons... those were just big reasons) and I handed it to him. In exchange for that, he handed me a letter... the letter expressed how much he loved me, and at the very end, this is what he wrote:

Of course, I said yes! There was no ring, but I didn't care!

As the year progressed, I picked out different rings I liked... Sometimes I'd say "This is definitely THEEEEEEE one! FOR SURE!" and then I'd change my mind.... Cuz I'm fickle. But hey, it's a ring I plan to keep for forever! I wanna make sure it's exactly what I want. But as time went on, a ring never did come... it took a while before I started to care... and what made me care was this (and I feel it needs explaining because I know many people who have bugged me about this saying a ring is just a material item): Any time I would refer to him as my fiancé or any time I'd say I was engaged, I could see people looking for my ring. I felt like people were thinking I was in one of those relationships where you get engaged to everybody you date, and I didn't wanna be seen like that. We started looking at rings again, but that was all we were ever doing. By November of 2013, I found the ring I was FOR SURE FOR SURE about this time... Really! It was on layaway because I didn't want a ring I'd likely have issues with, and I can't wear sterling silver (my finger gets crazy itchy bumps with anything fake), and I also wanted something that was different, but obviously an engagement ring, and I found that ring finally! But as much as we tried to budget it out that I would have my ring paid off, it just wasn't possible, especially not with Christmas coming up and our daughter's birthday following the next month. I finally said I wanted a do-over! What??? Basically, I was giving him another chance to propose WITH a ring! Until then, we were simply boyfriend and girlfriend. Seems silly, I'm sure, but that's what I wanted. SO, he agreed to it. I was hoping by Christmas of 2013 that he was gonna propose then. That didn't happen. He promised by Valentine's Day, I'd have a ring... that didn't happen... I was feeling pretty disappointed. I was also feeling like maybe he just didn't want to marry me after all. Maybe this was just his way of telling me that. It was depressing.

On April 17th, 2014, my friend took me out at the request of my dude (she was totally in on it!) and when I came home (which she was texting him letting him know how close we were to t
he house) I walked up to the door... I saw a big envelope taped under the handle....

 

So, I opened it (because it said to, of course!) and I walked inside.....

 

There was music playing; Some of my favourite tunes about love. I didn't see him... Anywhere! I was a bit confused if I'm being honest lol. I had to wash my hands sooooooo bad, so I quickly washed them, and when I came out of the washroom, I heard a voice saying "hey...." turned around, and there he was. He kinda came out of a dark corner since the lights were out and there were only candles lit. He walked right up to me and said all he needed to say, and of course the answer was always gonna be "yes"... But I cried because I wasn't expecting it at all. I knew he had the ring, I just didn't know when or where or how it was all gonna happen.

 

So you'd think after this, I'd be everywhere announcing the engagement and showing off my ring, but nope! I had other plans... I wanted to make this announcement EPIC! I had gotten some inspiration from a video I had seen by one of my favourite vloggers, Missy Lanning. Last year, she had made a beautiful Mother's Day video where she used photographs of many different types of mothers and hung them up. While I was inspired by that video, I also wanted to make the video original. As far as I know, anyways. So, I asked my engaged/married friends to submit photos whether it was a reaction photo from being proposed to, or engagement photos, or weddings pics! Many of my friends said "You can take as many pics from my photo albums as you wish!" so, I did! They had no idea what the photos would be used for.... just that I needed them for my latest cover I was gonna be posting. I met with a videographer who a friend had suggested to me (funnily enough, same friend I met Brad from!) and explained my concept. It was a bit unusual for him... the concept... But ultimately, he said he was interested in making it work! I also asked my friend (the same one who helped my dude with the proposal) to be a part of the video. She is a beautiful dancer, and I just really wanted her to be a part of this special announcement.

 

We set 2 dates to film. One for the lip syncing, and the other for the story part. The first day, I was out in the cold.... and when you see the video, you'll see why I was cold... The shirt I was wearing was quite thin! Unfortunately, by the end of the night, I started feeling a cold coming on. I thought maybe I just needed to shake off being out IN the cold... Sunday, I felt a bit worn out, but the show must go on.... and then the next morning, my throat was killing me!!! I dreaded swallowing. Ugh. But either way, I was being updated every day about the status of the video. Today, May 10th, 2014, the video was uploaded and shared on my facebook! I LOVE the video... I'm proud of it! It's my baby (other than my actual child lol) and so, I'm gonna share it here as well! I was able to get it onto my youtube channel, thankfully! Please check it out! Give it a thumbs up and comment or whatever, either way, I'm so happy with how it turned out, and so grateful for the people who participated... And I'm just excited to start planning a wedding! Yes, there is a date set, our engagement photos are scheduled for a couple of weeks from now, and we have a meeting with a wedding planner in about a week and a half! SO, things are moving along.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to share my awesome story, and since I haven't blogged in quite a while, I figured this was a good place to tell my story! I'm hoping to get back into blogging regularly again, especially since I've started seeing a counselor again!

 

Until next time,

 

Toots McGee

 

Click image to see the video!

 

Life update (sort of)

Life has been pretty stressful... But that's only because awesome things are about to come! And I don't just mean for me, but I have news to share; I'm just waiting to share it, and let me tell you guys, it's kinda driving me crazy! Haha

Only a few people are in on what's been going on, but all will be revealed hopefully sometimes in May! If anyone on Facebook remembers me asking for engagement/wedding photos, well, it has a lot to do with that, but I don't want to give anything away ;) let's just say if you sent in pics, you will be blown away!

My depression seems to be dormant at the moment, but my anxiety, not so much. It's still pretty bad. I have a lot on the go which is probably why I'm so anxious and stressed, but I've got some great friends to keep my mind feeling peaceful.

I'm excited to finally get my hair touched up this weekend.... Blonde with major rootage is NOT cute! Nope nope nope!!!

My dude and I had a good Easter! His dad/dad's wife came over. I'd met his dad before, but it was my first time meeting his wife. It was a very pleasant visit! My daughter did throw some crazy tantrums though.

Speaking of tantrums, this kid is insane! She put TWO dvds in our ps3...almost thought she wrecked the thing! Thankfully my dude was able to fix it, but she's definitely at this very frustrating stage where it's like she's doing everything she can to make our lives difficul.   She says no to everything, and she does the complete opposite of what you ask her to do or not do. GRRRRRR!!!

On another note, she's getting a hair cut on Saturday, and I'm actually pretty sad about it. I might blog about that afterwards, but for now, this girl needs some sleep! Until next time...

Toots McGee!

Life has been good...

For a while, things were a little bit rough. I caught a flu a month ago, then one month to the date later, I caught the flu AGAIN! During that time, I was going through all that unnecessary drama (from my last  post) which wasn't really helping. Then about a week after I'd been flu-free, my glands got super swollen! It was pretty random, and also quite painful, but it seems to have settle down.

I feel like I haven't been on here in a long time! But the truth is, I'm doing really well... I'm hoping things stay that way, but I'm just taking it day by day... But some good things are happening in my life, and all will be revealed in the next month or so which will make for a great story. Right now, only a few select people have been made aware, and they're only in on part of it. Only a couple of people are totally in on it because they're a part of the surprise, and let me tell you, it's big! I'm bad with certain secrets, so this should be interesting. ;)

Otherwise, I don't have much else to report on, so until next time...

Toots McGee!

An open letter to you know who...

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A BLOG POST! IT'S VERY LONG, AND EXTREMELY PERSONAL TO A SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 

There is so much I would like to say,  but considering it's 5am and it appears I'm catching a cold or something, I'll just try to get to the point. This is an open letter to the girl who has a lot to say ABOUT me, but gives me no way to defend myself.

Every story between two people has 3 sides. There's the story they tell, the story you tell, and then there's the truth. In this case, I've been pretty straight forward. You see, the disagreement I had that turned sour with a friend has escalated to an unnecessary point, and it's time that it came to an end. But first, there are some things that need to be cleared up, and they will all be directed at the person this letter is to, but there will be no name:

I am a good person. So much so that I actually put other people first. So much so that even though I was going through my own troubles, I would hear yours before considering my own. So much so that I had invited you and your son into my home only 2 nights before a surgery even though I had never met you in person and only knew you through Facebook. So much so that I encouraged you to stay so that you could provide a better life for you and your son when you felt like giving up. So much so that while I was recovering from my surgery, I had my fiancé take you to whatever appointments you needed to get to, even though he was needed at home to take care of me. So much so that I gave you a shoulder to cry on. So much so that I reminded you to eat and take care of yourself while you stayed with me and to try and rest. So much so that I made you food when you were too stressed to remember to eat. I made phone calls for you and looked into things for you so you could find a home here in the city. When you were conflicted about your ex, I supported you. I didn't judge you or think you were being silly or naive. I just wanted you to be happy! That's just some of the things. Let's not forget the time I asked my fiancé to, with my money (not his), drive to the store to grab a thermometer for your son who was sick, plus some snacks for the both of you. I also gave him gas money so he could drive it to your place on the other side of the city which he didn't want to do, but he did it because I begged him to in order to provide you with peace of mind while your son was sick, and I asked for NOTHING in return because I was more concerned about him and also concerned about you than I was about money. You didn't have to tell me you had no way to pay me back... I did it because you were stressed and I couldn't stand to see you like that. I also had him bring your son many of our daughter's toys that were no longer age appropriate for her, most of which weren't cheap toys. At Christmas, I'm just gonna tell you what I spent because why the heck not, I'm making a point here... and again, this was with MY money.. I spent 75 bucks on you alone, and probably about 40 on your son. That's a lot of money considering one of the last things you said to me.

I'll address some things that are out of context from what you wrote in your blog:
That I say my daughter is prettier than my friends' kids. You may have forgotten where that conversation came from. It came from you sending me a picture of a baby you thought was funny looking and me trying to make you feel better by telling you it's okay and normal, especially when you're a parent. In my opinion, my daughter is the most beautiful little girl in the world. In your opinion, I'm sure you think your son is the most handsome and adorable little boy in the world. It happens. We're human.

That I don't make friends with ugly people because it's embarrassing: you know what? I said that! I sure did! I also admit that it's horrible and snobbish of me, and I happen to know there are a LOT of people like that in the world. Does it make it right? No... Did you turn down a guy because he was too short? You sure did. Did you turn down a guy for being of a certain ethnicity? Yep. Did I judge you at the time? I didn't. Know why? We're only human! 

-The one that confused me the most was this one -
That I use my boyfriend's (aka the father of my child) income to go shopping: That's something most stay at home moms/housewives do.... I'm not too sure I know a single woman who doesn't ask for money from their partners/spouses. He's even stated that he has no issues with it and that his money is my money. What I don't understand is why you would consider that dirt when you're on social assistance and getting your hair done and your nose pierced and and going shopping and getting cable with the money that was given to you for necessities. And let's just say for the sake of argument somebody gave you that money... Are you not reaping the benefits of someone else's money? Didn't somebody say.... Take you shopping  for home decor when you first moved into your new place? How would that be any different?

-And then there was this one-
I can go shopping, but I can't take my daughter to the park: actually, you wanna know a secret? It's actually extremely difficult to go shopping. Even when I'm going because I actually need something, it's difficult. What makes it easier is knowing where the washrooms are so that when my anxiety gets to me, I can quickly escape to regroup. At the park, there are a lot of germs which isn't ideal for someone with anxiety. What you failed to mention is that I'm well aware that it's a problem and have not only taken steps to get help, but also have an appointment coming up. I took initiative to get the help that I need so that I can handle the germs and the playground and the ride to the mall (seriously, if you only knew how difficult a car ride to the mall was, you wouldn't be saying it's easy for me to shop vs taking my daughter to the park)

Contrary to what you believe, I didn't message your ex just to mock and bash you. I messaged him because I wanted to know if this is who YOU really are and if that's why he couldn't be with you. I let out some anger and frustration because I knew he'd understand, but I also apologized to him for being harsh on him after seeing the way you could care less about our friendship.

I sent you a message explaining why I unfriended you. If you had preferred I didn't, then I wish I hadn't. But at least I gave you the explanation you said you wished you would get when someone unfriends you. When I gave you the truth, you didn't like it. You also said at the end that we were basically just Facebook friends anyways so "it's all good"...

Something else I wanted to address about my daughter's birthday party. You mentioned I was rude and snobby because I didn't greet you at the door. I had people there... I actually did say hi to you. I might not have jumped up the second you walked in the door, but I did come and welcome you as you were taking your shoes and coat off, however, I had a room full of guests. And the other thing you said about me being more concerned about your son putting my daughter's toys, which are choking hazards, in his mouth hence why they're meant for her age of 3 and not 1 (the age of your son) was actually because I didn't want your son to choke on her toys. And since you weren't actually trying to stop it, I had to. They're easy to wash, so I don't care if he slobbered all over them, but sue me if I actually tried to prevent your child from choking on a toy. We didn't leave toys out because we needed all the room and space we could get. Aurora doesn't actually have toys for your son's age group because she's not of his age group... I gave you all the ones she did have! The only ones we still had were stored and we even took something out for him to play with. Yes, he's only one, but at what point do you start telling your child "no" when they are banging things on walls and pulling on blinds in a house that doesn't belong to you? Even our own child isn't allowed to do that, and we make sure if she does, she hears that it's not okay.... So why would we suddenly let someone else's child do that? Did you have some money burning a hole in your pocket and feel like spending it on fixing any damages he might have made to our NEW and RENTED home?

You said you "could" dish out the dirt on me but that you're not like that... But then you did within that very same paragraph...All along stating that you're better than that which makes no sense at all if you're still gonna "dish the dirt" anyways. You also said I'm not a very nice person at all and that I'm manipulative.. First of all, I'm not too sure how I'm manipulative, secondly, you were correct the first time around when you said you thought I was a nice person... I actually AM a nice person. What happened was that I had kept quiet for too long, and I just wasn't okay with that anymore. The people who know me know what kind of person I am. They know I'd give the shirt off my back if I wouldn't get arrested for indecent exposure out in public. They know my character. They understand my anxiety and don't judge me or blame me for not being able to take my daughter to the park. We can also have a debate without someone making it personal which is what happened in our situation. I'm 30 years old, yes. But your friend is much older than me and talks to people who she barely knows in a disrespectful manner and then makes FUN of my mental disability. Did you forget the time you mocked a good friend of mine right along with your friend? Or the time she went off on another good friend of mine which was what led me to delete her? I didn't even block her, she blocked me and then questioned why I blocked her second account after she trash talked me believing she had just said something that I had no answer to when in fact, I just wasn't going to take that kind of verbal abuse from anyone. She blocked me likely so she could trash talk me... How is that your idea of maturity, and why are you telling me I'm the one who is immature??

As far as me sharing the piece of message you sent, it was the part of the message that made the least amount of sense. Why? Because it's the portion of the message where you said "it's no wonder you don't have many friends"...  I have had some pretty good friends and I've had some pretty horrible friends. I prefer quality over quantity. The friends that have had my back and stood up for me are amazing, and I'd much rather have only a few great and loyal friends than have a bunch of crappy friends who can't even take a simple debate. You know it's okay for friends to have opposing views and that it's okay for someone to challenge your views, right?  It's just not acceptable once it becomes personal. It was also the part of the message where you said it was no big deal that we weren't friends anymore which was a huge slap in the face considering everything I wrote at the beginning of this blog. Yes, it's an "essay" but you didn't exactly leave me with much of a choice. And calling me touchy? Come on... You know you're extremely touchy. I don't freak out and assume the worst if someone doesn't message or text me right away, but you know who does? You do. And you know who never judged you for it? Me.

And finally, you wonder if I talk about my other friends behind their backs. The answer to that is yes. I compliment them. I express how proud I am of them when they accomplish something in life. I also say it to them directly as well. I've had some issues with other friends and when I brought them up, we talked about it to make things clear again, and then we go back to our friendship! I even said some things behind your back as well. Like that you were one of my favourite people on the planet and that you were so deserving of a photo session with the very same man you and your friend mocked later on. I even said that I was willing to pay for it with my own money. I said you were a great friend and that you could really used something like this. So you're absolutely right. I do talk about my friends behind their backs. I'm guilty of that. And that... Well, all of this makes me a not very good person? I'm not seeing the logic in this.

I shouldn't have written any responses at all for anyone to see, and I'll admit it was wrong to in a sense, publicly shame you, but at the same time, you shouldn't have given me any reason to need to defend myself and call you out on the things you said because it was all so hypocritical and also very one sided not to mention taken out of context.

Here's why I'm writing this: I want this to end. Nobody is going to win, and I'd like to move on. I'd like to not be made aware of any talk behind my back, I'd like to not find out only half truths are being written about me and things I've said or done.... I just wanna stop. This wasn't to keep the high school drama going. This was to end it and to clear things up that I couldn't before because you didn't leave me with an option to defend myself. If there was a way to make this private for just you, I'd do it... But as far as I know, there isn't. I'm done with it. The ball is in your court. You can either throw it back at me and I'll refuse to catch, or you can leave it where it is and walk away. It's up to you. This wasn't a game to me. I actually thought you were my friend... Actually, one of my best friends. But you saying we were barely friends made me realize I was foolish to ever care as much as I did. Please choose to walk away. If you don't, then it's no longer my problem. So please... Just walk away so we can both go back to living our lives in peace.

That is all.

Melody V.

Opinions are like.........

Well, you know the saying, but what happens when your opinions are more than just simply your opinions?

Recently, I was confronted by someone... A "friend"  who had.. I guess you could say.. Cornered me? All on Facebook, too. Hah. I was asked about something to which I gave an answer to. I then got suddenly preached at about this thing which is a bit on the controversial side I guess you could say, and if there's one thing I dislike, it's when someone tries to shove their beliefs down my throat whether it's religious or political... Moral... Whatever. I dislike it. Most of the time, I just keep my opinions to myself, but when I get approached like that, or someone starts becoming a bit overbearing about those beliefs, let me put it to you this way: if you say "it's just wrong" it's kind of very irritating and I'm not gonna hold back.... Also, it hardly seems like a personal opinion, but rather, like you're stating a fact when it's just YOUR opinion that you're trying to make other people believe.

Now, for me, when I see something I don't like, for instance, an article about a local bridal shop that doesn't allow transgendered women (male to female in this case)  to try on dresses in the shop, I'll re-post the link to the article and state my feelings about it. Example: "I know where I WON'T be buying my wedding dress".... And not "I won't be buying my wedding dress here because it's wrong and you shouldn't either!"

I have many friends with opposing views from abortion (which I'm against) to gay marriage (which I'm for) and some other less intense things like music and movie tastes lol. When there's a debate, we will have our discussion knowing full well it's just a friendly debate. But then there are those that go south. Friendships have ended because of intense debating on opposing views. However, this one in particular ended very unexpectedly and sadly enough, it was because once the discussion appeared to be over, a friend of hers with a grudge against me had to chime in not only with her opinion on the topic, but also some personal attacks on my character and my mental disability (anxiety disorder and such) and there was no mediation from the girl who started the whole topic. When someone talks to my friends in such a way that's so disrespectful and despicable, I definitely take action. I don't allow anyone to talk to my friends the way my "friend" let her friend talk to and about me, therefore, she is NOT a friend. It's okay to have different opinions. Most of the time, if you can discuss your different opinions in a civil manner, it means you might actually be mature! But some people can't handle a debate, I guess... And some people can't keep their personal thoughts to themselves.

It's sad when we lose friends... But at the same time, we don't need people like that in our lives, and I made a promise to myself a few years ago that I'd never allow "bad friends" to stick around in my life. In doing so, I may only have a small handful of friends, but at least I'm guaranteed good quality friends. Quality over quantity!

Until next time, never settle for less than you deserve in a friend and in life. Always stick up for your real friends, but more importantly, always stick up for YOURSELF! Oh, and maybe don't be so preachy, eh? ;)


Toots McGee!

Not being good enough....

Last night, a friend of mine posted this to his facebook page

and it got me thinking... Great... Another phobia! The fear of not being good enough... it has to start somewhere, but... Where?

When I was a child, I never felt NOT good enough. I always felt great about myself. I was "smart", I was popular in school... Mind you, this was elementary school... But still! I went to a HUGE school that went from kindergarten to the 6th grade. It was enormous. It almost looked like a high school or even a college, and in this enormous school, people knew me. Students, teachers, other members of the faculty, simply because I would always sing in the talent shows. I was sort of shy, but also... very outgoing (that doesn't make sense, but the fact is, that's just how I was) I loved having students from the grades higher than me (who were mainly in the same grade as my older brother) asking me to sing for them. I loved that other students wanted to be seen with me and some were even jealous of me. It's nice to feel like I was someone special.

It's no secret that I'm a fan of the spotlight. It's like that line of the song Let Me Be Your Star from the TV show "Smash"

"Fade in on a girl with a hunger for fame and a face and a name to remember..."

That's basically me.

But then, we moved to Northern California (From Southern California) and I started the 5th grade somewhere where people didn't know me at all. They had no idea what I was capable of... I was always shy, and I would stay that way. I was bullied every single day at that school, and I didn't have my big brother to watch over me anymore. At one point, I was even choked, held up, and pushed up against a wall during lunch because I refused to kiss one of my classmates. I was scared, but I said nothing because I was embarrassed. Then, we moved again to a different part of the bay area. I had hoped that it would be a new start. Middle school! There was even an orchestra and band class I joined as my elective. I was in orchestra in my original elementary school and played the violin. Unfortunately, I was just as much of a loser there as I was in the 5th grade... Maybe even worse. On my first day, I was sitting alone at lunch. I wasn't eating... I was just sitting alone on the ground, and these 3 obviously popular girls walked up to me. They asked if I wanted to come sit with them, but I said "No thanks"... why? Because I thought they were just messing with me. I'm sure they were because they were the girls who always made me feel like I was a total loser. Why in the world would these popular girls want to be seen with me? I was a total nobody. They had all obviously been friends for a long time, so it seemed sketchy to me, and I didn't want to be embarrassed by them. As time went by, my grades were declining, and I was starting to decline as well, mentally. I had to take the bus to school and home from school. Our bus stop was at the bottom of a 3 way cul-de-sac which we just so happened to live at the very top of on a bit of a hill, so when I'd get off the bus, my brother sometimes would walk with me or ahead... sometimes not at all... and I'd just take that time to think about my life and by the time I'd get home, I'd go straight to my room, plop my backpack on the ground... plop myself on the ground against by bed, and just cry as quietly as possible. Once again, no one knew for the longest time what I had been dealing with at school because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I didn't want them to know that their daughter was a total loser.

I had a few friends... But at one point, they found a "cool" friend and that "cool" friend thought I was too much of a loser to be associated with, so my only two friends who happened to be sisters, dumped me. Now, I was really alone. In school, I would hear so many different horrible things. One of the worst that has always stuck with me was "You're so stupid and ugly, no one's ever going to want to marry you" That one definitely stung.

With my grades being so poor, I had to repeat the 8th grade which meant more disappointment, but it also meant more bullying. Now, I was constantly being asked "how do you flunk the 8th grade?!" followed by giggles from the new 8th graders. I was such a huge disappointment... But more so because the bullying got so bad that I couldn't take it anymore. I told my father that if I had to go back to school, that I'd kill myself. Sure, that sounds super dramatic... but as it turns out, I suffered from depression (and would later come to find out I also suffered from anxiety and bipolar disorder as well as an eating disorder.) I was able to transfer to a new middle school and finish out my 8th grade year there... While I was there, people were finally nice to me!!!! It was very different. I wish I could say that I found my place finally, but sadly, my depression got the better of me, and I had tried to kill myself. I understand what suicide means now, but at the time, I just needed to escape my emotional pain. I ended up in psychiatric treatment for minors where they also diagnosed me as anorexic and wouldn't let me have the shoe laces for my shoes, nor could I use the washroom without supervision for 2 hours after eating in case I wanted to barf my food back up. But if you recall my second blog, I couldn't do it. That's not to say I never attempted it... I just could never actually go through with it once I felt it coming back up. I won't get into the rest because it's a very long story, but either way....................

Then, high school finally rolled around. I had friends from the middle school I'd transferred to during my second go at 8th grade.. I was somebody again, finally. I was actually going out and doing things. My friends and I had hangout spots, and every Friday, we'd go to the roller rink!!! It was awesome! THEN we had to move AGAIN! Still in the bay area.... just about a half an hour away. So, I never got to see them again. It was sad for me... To finally feel like I belonged to a group and then have to lose it when I'd been wanting it for so long. My new high school was... weird. I didn't like it! I joined choir... But I felt lonely still. Even though there were people who would ask me to sing for them much like wwhen I was in elementary school, I'd still feel lonely. I don't know what happened to me. I just didn't care anymore... And again, I felt like a disappointment when I ultimately dropped out of high school. Why did I drop out? Because I failed the 9th grade and was told I needed to repeat that grade as well. And so I did... but I did it through independent studies... where I made it to the 10th grade eventually... only to realize it was too difficult because when I passed the 9th grade, I wasn't passing because I learned all I needed to know; I passed because they couldn't hold me back anymore... I felt like I was set up to fail, so rather than actually failing on ttheir terms, I just dropped out to spare myself th humiliation of failing the 10th grade as well.

When I moved out here, I got a divorce within months of moving, I realized I was addicted to prescription drugs, I did get my GED but then a few months later went on to live in a homeless shelter. I had some relationships fail miserably to a point where someone even told me I made their life miserable and therefore I deserved to be miserable myself. I'd been told by multiple people that their lives were better without me in them. I've had a failed pregnancy; went on to live in a homeless shelter while I was pregnant with my daughter... I've so many failures in life, and I never accomplished anything for myself which has all led up to make me wonder if it's all just because I'm not good enough. Yes, I'm a mother, true. And that's great. But all the things I had aspired to do such as be a singer: Never happened. Be a model: It's... sort of happening, but not in the way I want it to happen... I actually want to model! I love having my photos taken from the photographer who does all the pictures I've had done, but the fact is, I'm likely not thin enough, tall enough, or young enough, and certainly not pretty enough to be an actual model. I also wanted to be a makeup artist: Sure, I'm doing people's makeup, but I'm still doing it for free and making no money off of it. I didn't want to be one of those wives/moms who gets money from her partner/spouse and that's it... I wanted to make my own money! When people tell you to dream big, do they mean "dream big... as long as it's reasonable still"? Because whenever I tell people my dreams, I feel like I'm always being told how unreasonable these dreams are or that I need to dream more realistically... So now what?

I'm turning 32 this year. I've accomplished nothing so far for myself... And why? Because I'm simply just not good enough for the things I wants. I've made attempts. I've sent demos into indie record labels, I've sent photos to local modeling agencies that accept email submissions. I've tried to build a portfolio. I'm trying to make the makeup thing happen, but it doesn't seem to be taking off too well despite the rave reviews my work has gotten from friends of the people I do makeup for. Esp ecially since no one will get their makeu done by me if I'm charging them. I just wish I knew what TO do rather than what NOT to do... and even then, the things I've been told to do, I've done em, and nothing. So does that mean I'm not cut out for these things? I don't know...

My daughter thinks I'm good enough... My fiancé thinks I'm good enough... and that's great! I totally love that I have such a supportive man by my side, and that my daughter is a sweetheart and thinks I'm totally awesome... I just somehow need to find it in me to be good enough for ME... I don't know how I'm gonna make that happen, but that's a new dream. I'm just hoping it's not an unrealistic or unreasonable one... Because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Until next time...

Toots McGee

Diary of a... Pill-popper??

You know how sometimes you see those moms who "pop pills"? and you think "geeeeeez" and then worry about the child's well-being? Sometimes it's nothing to really think about, and then sometimes it's definitely something to be concerned about when you're a bystander... But then the other day, I saw myself doing something that I was kind of ashamed of...

I was feeling some anxiety as I usually do, but for some reason, I was feeling it during the day when normally my medication keeps me feeling good for most of the day, and I don't have to worry my meds until the evening comes... Usually by then, Aurora's gone to bed... But for some reason, I was feeling is during the day while Aurora was playing. I got up, went over to where I keep my meds, grabbed two pills (just as my prescription says to) and took them... RIGHT-IN FRONT-OF MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's not the hugest deal on the planet, but she's at an age where everything she sees her parents do, or the things she sees/hears on TV or in movies... whatever... she imitates! It honestly made me feel horrible! I felt like a pill popping mother like the kind I'd see on the show Intervention... I never judged those women because I understood addiction... I just never thought I would be one of those women who'd do it right in front of her child. And believe me... She was watching. I didn't even give it any thought at all... At least not until I had gone to sit down... Then I was like "Wow... Did I really just do that??"

I know I'm not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes as a parent. I know many parents do. I never assumed I was better than any parent or mother... Though I'm sure there are some moms out there who I definitely am better than... Like the ones who starve their children and worse. Ugh. But, I felt so guilty because I labeled myself a pill popper.... Someone who takes every medication possible to ease or numb their pain and all feelings because the truth is, at that time, I was feeling so horrible that I just wanted my daughter's bed time to come at that very moment so I could rest rather than feel gross and have her come up to me asking me "who's that?" as she shows me her dolls... It's cute, but when I'm feeling like crap, I just don't even wanna hear air (Can you hear air?? Is that the same thing as asking what water tastes like? Hmmmmmmmmm. I'd make a great stoner! HAH. I kid.)

I know my medication is necessary.. I just wish I hadn't taken them in front of my daughter. It's like how I wish my fiancé wouldn't hold onto a cigarette the typical way people hold cigarettes... I never want my daughter to see him smoking because I don't want her to try to imitate it. She's already imitating things she sees on TV... The when Aria goes "shhhh" as she puts her finger up to her mouth during the Pretty Little Liars opening theme song... She knows lyrics to songs and has lines from movies memorized... Why wouldn't I worry she could and would imitate certain actions?

I guess it all just boils down to bad habits that need to be broken. I never want my daughter to think she has to do what mommy is doing because I know she does look up to me. I know she also looks up to her daddy. She thinks we have all the answers, and I don't want to set that kind of example for her.

Now, for some good news! I purchased a new microphone and recording software, so I've been busy trying to fiddle around with it and get used to it all. I've had professional studio equipment before, but I also wasn't the one handling any of it; my ex husband learned all of that. I'm just glad we have a huge walk-in closet that I can use as my studio.... it's honest pretty awesome :)

Anyways, that's it for me. I know I'm off by a couple of days. I'll try to get back on schedule right away... I just need to sort some things out, but one thing's for sure... I'm still gonna keep posting because I love it too much to stop :) Much love

Toots McGee!